My First Ti... nder Date: Intense With A Capital 'I'

Before this time last year, Tinder was alien to me. Yes, I’d heard of it, and I knew what it was… But as far as I was concerned, it was another world to me; one I thought I would never delve into. Ha, how wrong was I!

 A few months after coming out of a 4 year relationship, a friend suggested I should try Tinder. “It’ll be fun”, she said. So with that, I downloaded the app, created an account, and entered what seemed to be the new ‘norm’. I’d heard a lot about Tinder, most of which wasn’t all that great. It appeared to me that people usually used Tinder for one thing only - hook ups, or as I call it; a smash and dash. Now, I can’t say I knew exactly what I was looking for at the time, but it certainly wasn’t another relationship. At least, not right away. 

Anyway, since this post is about my first Tinder date, and not my actual thoughts on Tinder… I’ll get to it. 

THE MATCH… 

“It’s a match!”. Since I rarely message guys first on Tinder, I know it was ’T’ who struck up the conversation. I can’t remember how long we spoke via Tinder for, but we did take it to text pretty quickly. From his photos he seemed nice enough. This was probably helped by the fact he looked like the lovechild of Roger Federer and Jack Whitehall. No complaints from me. He was also great over text. By great, I mean there was constant conversation; not a mundane one. It was never forced.

Needless to say, when he asked to take me out - I said yes. Not just for the looks reason, I am far from a shallow person. He did seem genuinely lovely, and didn’t live too far away either. Plus, I had nothing to lose.

We decided to go for drinks. As this was my first date in 4 years, I had no idea what I was doing. When you’re with someone for that long, you get used to it. You get used to them. So, stepping out there, and dating someone else was a whole new situation for me. It was out of my comfort zone, completely. In other words, I didn’t know how to date.

THE DATE… 

’T’ and I met in a city not far from either of us one Bank Holiday evening. I got the bus (bus wanker, I know), and the plan was that he would meet me at my stop. Sounds fair enough, right…?

First of all, let me say that I wasn’t nervous. I had no reason to be. But, for some reason, my head was elsewhere while I was on that bus. So much so that when I did get to my stop, I missed it. That’s not the best past though - the bus drove right past him. I didn’t see him, but he saw me. The only alternative was to meet at the next stop. What a way to make a first impression.

As soon as the bus drove past him, he rang me. I had never spoken to him on the phone before, but I answered. “Were you just on that bus that went past?” Yes, yes I was. The good thing about it was, 1) he found it funny, and 2) he sounded like a nice guy. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I always like hearing people talk for the first time when you’ve been talking to them online. You know, to see if the voice matches their appearance kind of thing.

Instead of him walking all the way to the next stop, I said I’d meet him in the city centre, I didn’t mind the walk. So that's what I did. When I was about to arrive at where we said we would meet, (admittedly, a lot later than originally planned… oops), I realised I didn’t actually see him whilst I was on the bus like he saw me. I started to slow down before approaching the corner. As I got to the corner, I ever so carefully peered round it, just to see what was waiting for me. Basically, I was checking that it was actually ’T’, and not Jerry, aged 50.

You’ll be pleased to know it was in fact ’T’, wearing a nice shirt too. I don’t know what I was expecting, but for my first date? I was pleasantly surprised. He did look like his photos, so that was a good start. Though I have to say, for a guy; he was short. Thinking back, I am wondering whether this was the reason he did not include his height in his Tinder bio like the majority of guys do. It was no big deal, but having just been with someone over 6ft for 4 years of my life, it was strange not having to strain my neck to look at him. Anyway, we hugged, said it was nice to finally meet each other, and off we went.

We went for a walk along a river before making our way to some bars. At the first bar, we sat at a table in the corner, and ’T’ went off to get the drinks; not accepting my offer of buying them. What a gent. He brought them back to the table and sat down. He was chatty, asked me questions, and even complimented me, a lot. Now, I’m a girl who struggles to accept compliments from random people online at the best of times. So having someone sat next to me, and directly looking at me; complimenting me on my appearance made me bristle. Of course, I appreciated it, I just didn't know what to say. Thank you (obviously). However, there is something about receiving a compliment that triggers some sort of discomfort in me. Sadly, that is down to low self-esteem. When you put yourself down so much, you feel almost vulnerable when someone has a different opinion of you than you do. And I always feel as though the ‘complimenter’ will soon see that they are very wrong about me.

As this was a year ago, I have learnt a lot about acceptance and self-love since then. I know now that refusing a compliment and putting myself down does not make me ‘humble’, it only diminishes me. 

Anyway, back to the date - there were no awkward silences. We talked a lot about university. Like me, he is a year or two behind everyone else as he retook his A Levels. It was nice to have that in common. He was a Psychology student at Cardiff Met, and I couldn’t help but ask whether he was ‘reading’ me and my body language or not. Thankfully, he said he wasn’t.

We went to a couple more bars, and even a cocktail place. The date was going well. Did I fancy him? Yes, I guess I did. After putting the whole bus fiasco earlier that evening to the back of my mind (or so I thought), on our way to the last bar, I tripped up. And I really tripped up. I don’t know how, but luckily, he caught me. If he hadn’t, I would have come an almighty cropper. “Falling at my feet, aren’t you?” he said, as he caught me. While it was funny, I couldn’t help but wonder what the third mishap of the night would be.

The last bar we went to was a quiet place that was dimly lit. It seemed a little more intimate compared to the previous bars. We sat on some leather sofas, and he then asked if it was ‘OK’ to put his arm around me. I thought they said chivalry is dead? How considerate, of course it was OK! 

It’s fair to say that I did have a lovely time. I agreed to see him again. A few days later we had a second date, drinks again. What can I say, I enjoy a G&T… or 10.

Then things started to get a little weird. At least, for me. From the beginning, I was honest to him and said that I was not looking to jump into a relationship for quite some time. Yet, I did say that I was open to another relationship, eventually. Now, ’T’ said he understood this, and it was no problem. So all seemed well and good.

Over the next few days, and weeks, we saw each other a couple more times. We’d often go for drives at night; just talking about anything and everything. Another time, we went for lunch at this cute cafe.

We texted constantly, which is fine. Communication is important, but sometimes I wasn’t even given the chance to reply before he would send another. My phone was always blowing up. Not only this, ’T’ started to call me… several times a day. Even when we had just spent the entire afternoon together. I love phone calls, I do. But honestly? I was struggling to think of things to talk about because I had just seen him! Then the phone calls during his break at work started. It began to get a little bit too much. I felt overwhelmed. Especially since I had to tell him several times not to be so intense. Though he said he wouldn’t be, it seemed that the more I told him, the more he was. Dilemma.

Along with being inundated with text messages and phone calls, he always wanted to see me. Like, every day and night. I couldn’t handle that. I like my own space, and I like my own company too much. I especially did at that point in time anyway.

I will never forget waking up one morning and seeing 28 text messages from him. Yes, 28. My first thought was “who has died?”, followed by concern that something was wrong, or had happened to him. Half asleep, I opened my texts and nothing was wrong. Because I didn’t text him back that morning, as I was genuinely asleep, he decided to text me 28 reasons as to why he likes me. Alarm bells starting ringing for me, agh. While my mum thought it was ‘sweet’, I did not. We’d known each other about two weeks. The guy needed to calm down.

The point that made me decide that he wasn’t for me was one evening when he asked if I wanted to watch a film at his house. I said I’d like to, so off to his house I went. However, we weren’t even 10 minutes into the film, and he was more interested in getting it on with me than the actual film. I mean, it’s no problem. But when you have just come out of a long-term relationship, it takes time for that sort of thing. For me, anyway. I didn’t not do anything because I’m a prude. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to lead the guy on. Call me boring, but the idea was to watch a film, so that was what I wanted to do. The other thing was though, he had family downstairs! I could never be that disrespectful in someone’s house, especially my first time there.

Still, we continued to see each other. But again, each meet was more intense. The kissing and making out, the fondling… I wasn’t ready. Equally, I didn’t want to be with the first guy I met from Tinder either. I wanted to get to know some other people too before getting into another relationship. I wanted to see what other ‘fish’ were out there I guess, rather than putting all of my eggs in ’T’s’ basket. Whereas he seemed to be really falling for me, I was not falling for him. If anything, the more he fell for me, the less I fell for him. I felt as though his happiness was depending entirely on me, which made me stress. When you’re in any relationship, you should be able to exist without the other person; that other person is like… the icing on top of the cake, you know? They make life better. Well, that’s my take on it anyway.

Eventually, I came to a decision that I no longer wanted to see him. Knowing how invested in me he was, and how much he liked me… I knew this was not going to be easy, or go well. I had to be honest though. I would have felt a lot worse if I continued to see him and lead him to believe he had a chance. Having always been the dumpee in any relationship or ‘thing’, this was not an effortless thing for me to do. At all. I’ve never had to do it before, and it had me feeling like a horrible person. This is one of the few occasions where I didn’t know what to say. But it had to be done. Sorry, ’T'.

THE DUMPING... 

It didn’t come easy or natural to me. But I definitely would not have done it via text. Although the temptation to do it that way was there, which sounds bad. It was only there because he texted me that much, it got to a point where I had had enough. I felt suffocated.

The phone calls continued too, but during one I said we needed to talk. Where the hell could I start? I can’t remember what was said or how I said it. I know I wasn’t nasty, and tried to be as polite, and friendly as possible. However, he didn’t take it well. Whatsoever.

I stupidly had a hoodie of his at mine, so obviously I had to return it. Later that evening, he asked if he could collect it so I said yes. I met up with him to give it him, and he was genuinely crying. Baring in mind we weren’t even a ‘couple’ or in a relationship. I can’t imagine what he would have been like if we were, and I was actually breaking up with him for real. So yes, he didn’t take it well. Again, I don’t remember what was said, but I know it wasn’t pleasant. I mean, I understood… and I felt bloody awful myself about it, but I was only being honest? That’s what people do isn’t it? Well, it’s what I do. I guess I’m just sorry that my truth hurt him, because that was never my intention.

Obviously we didn’t speak much after this. Though I did message him to ask if he was OK, because I did care. I received long messages, most of which weren’t all that nice, but expected. After that, he deleted me from every social media site - Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat… etc. Fair enough, that suited me fine.

A few weeks later though, I received a message request on Facebook. Intrigued to see who it was, I went to open it. It was ’T’, with messages I can only describe as being the length of a novel. Most of it was apologising for his behaviour and the way he handled it. But this is the funny thing, he said he wanted to be friends. FRIENDS! I felt like the guy was completely head over heels still, from what he was saying, so I don’t even think he could have handled being just my friend. As much as I would have liked that. Sadly, we did not make it as friends.

As terrible as I felt about the whole thing, I also felt relieved. Relieved that I was honest enough to do what I felt and thought was the right thing. There was nothing wrong with him. He was a genuinely nice guy. He made me laugh, and we had some great times. Perhaps if I hadn’t had just come out of a long-term relationship, I would have taken things further with him, romantically. But at that time, I wasn’t ready to, and I didn’t want to. That said, he was pretty overbearing… so maybe I wouldn’t have.

A YEAR LATER...

’T’ certainly is persistent, I’ll give him that. Here we are, a year later… and he is still trying to contact me. AGH.

My last ‘relationship’ (inverted commas because the more I think of it, the more I realise it wasn’t a fucking relationship, ha), ended months ago, which brought me back to Tinder. Happy days.

Casually swiping through one evening, and who appears? ’T’. Needless to say I swiped left. Immediately. That bridge has burned down. I thought nothing of it afterwards. Then, a few days later, I had a message request on Instagram. This didn’t appear all that odd to me as I do receive messages on there from time to time. Checking who it was… it was ’T’. Oh no.

Luckily on Instagram you are allowed to view a message a person is sending you before accepting it or not. Hallelujah. To be fair, the message was nice actually. Asking how I am, how uni is going, etc. Then he mentioned how I ‘popped up’ on his Tinder. Great. And how whatever had been happening with him this year got him thinking of me. It was when I read the ‘got me thinking of you’ part that I knew I could not accept that message. No way. Even a year later, this guy must still have some sort of ‘thing’ for me. I don’t know? Maybe not, but knowing him like I did, and remembering how he was… it wouldn’t surprise me.

I don’t know if I’m being harsh by not letting him back into my life or not. The few people I told about the whole situation agreed with me and my decisions. Some even saying the word ‘stalker’, ouch I’m not sure I’d go that far… although, I do see their point.

Thankfully, not every guy I have been on dates with from Tinder since have turned out this way. Then again, I can’t say they’ve been that much better either to be honest. It was certainly an experience anyway, let me tell you. 

Edit: 'T' also requested to follow me on Instagram around 2 weeks ago... no.