I Do Not Hook Up

OK, when did it become acceptable for guys to think they can sweet talk their way into your pants like it’s a one-banana task? Dishing out attention and compliments like sweets 24/7, and making you feel that ‘special’ that you can hardly believe your luck.

As intense and passionate as it can be, you need to watch out these days. Well, I did anyway. A ‘too much too soon’ type of guy will never be a good thing, and will never take advantage of me. No matter how irresistible and charming they may be. They can try all they like, but here’s the thing: I do not hook up. Just like that Kelly Clarkson song says, I go slow. If you want me, I don’t come cheap.

Now, there is nothing wrong with hooking up whatsoever, providing it’s something both parties want and agree to do, you know? At the end of the day, you do you. But in this situation, I didn’t want that. I never have, and I probably never will.

See, I always want more than just me, a guy and some fun. I’m not too sure why as I’ve spent a good 7 years of my life now in relationships, and not one has fucking worked out, (obviously). So you’d think that would put me off anything long-term, but for some reason… it doesn’t. I know what I like; stability.

’S’ and I met through Tinder. I have to admit, I almost didn’t reply to his message. See, I can’t deal with receiving messages about the way my body looks or mostly, how my arse looks. Especially the first message. Yes, in a way, I suppose it’s flattering. But there is a lot more to me than my body. As his message was mild compared to the majority of opening lines I get though, I did reply. From his pictures, he was incredibly attractive, and had a jawline so sharp you could file your nails on it.

He was from my hometown too, which I couldn’t quite believe as I have not ever seen anyone that attractive in my town before, (no offence to any guy from my hometown reading this). Anyway, he had chat. I can’t tell you the amount of Tinder chats I’ve had that dissolve quickly after just a few messages. It’s dispiriting. Yet, the conversation between ’S’ and I was good. The messages were quite long, and it seemed we had a lot in common. For example, we both studied Law, and we both enjoy the gym. What’s more, he was also an avid reader, a Netflix binger, and even able to play a little guitar. I later learnt that he also had a gift for sketching. All in all, he was talented and intelligent. What was the catch?

THE MEETING...

’S’ and I had only been talking for a few days, but as we were both home from university at the time; stuck in a shitty little town… neither of us really had anything to do. We had arranged to meet anyway, but one evening we spontaneously went for a drive. Yes, I met up with someone from Tinder, and got into their car on the first meet. Fearless, I know.

As the summer was coming to an end, the dark nights were slowly creeping back. So when I was walking to meet ’S’, in one hell of a dodgy carpark may I add, (my fault though, I suggested it), it was completely pitch black. It was the type of carpark you would go to when collecting some crack cocaine or something, (not that I’d know, I’m just assuming - honestly!).

He text to say what car he had, and what colour it was. As his car was black, and it was dark outside anyway… it wasn’t the easiest car in the carpark to spot. Fortunately, he saw me, and got out of the car. That’s when I was catfished. Don’t worry though, I was catfished in a good way. ’S’ had been telling me that he had recently been getting into the gym more, and upping his game in hope of building some muscle. Yet, I was still not prepared for someone so hench and fit to get out of the car! I was a little taken back, but nevertheless, it was a pleasant surprise. I was impressed. We hugged, and into that passenger seat I got.

“Have you ever randomly picked up a girl you met on Tinder a few days ago, and gone for a drive?” 

“No, never”

… yet, this was happening. I like(d) that though.

After driving round for a bit and talking, I found out that he went to the same high school as two other people I have dated from Tinder. Awkward. It really is a small world. When he told me this, the tone of my voice must have changed as he noticed, and questioned me. I was honest, and told him about the past experiences with the guys from his school, both of which he knew, “I loved that guy!” he said about one of them. Luckily, although he knew them, he did not know them well enough to still be in contact, phew.

We decided to park up in a gym car park, funnily enough. As his car was incredibly hot, we got out and went for a wander; eventually sitting down on some steps. We just talked; we clicked. He was easy to talk to and be around. We talked about university and law, how bad our hometown is, the gym, everything really.

I always ask people what they’re on Tinder for, or what they’re currently looking for. I don’t know why, I just like to know I guess. I’m nosey. I don’t do small talk. So anyway, I asked ’S’ this, and that’s when he told me he was fresh out of a 3 year relationship. By fresh, I mean a matter of weeks. Ah, bad timing? I wasn’t expecting that. Yet, ’S’ said it had kind of been coming to an end for a while, and was glad that it did. He said how it might sound weird, but he was actually over it pretty quickly, and wasn’t at all as upset as he perhaps should have been. Now, I’m not one to judge how and when a person should get over someone, so I was happy for him. I think it’s better to move on than be hung up on something or someone (…if only I could listen to this advice every once in a while though).

In answer to my question, ’S’ said that he wasn’t looking to jump into a relationship right away. That’s the answer I expected to be honest; it was perfectly understandable. Plus, I, myself was not looking to jump into a relationship quite that soon either. So, I guess you could say we were kind of on the same page. Both just two single people seeing where things could go. We both agreed that if the right person came along, then of course, we would have a relationship.

I think we sat on those steps for over an hour. Time flew anyway. I didn’t have a set time to be home by, and neither did he. After some more driving and talking we ended up just parking up in Tesco; continuing the chatting there. No, see, call me weird, but I don’t need fancy dates… I will literally sit and talk with someone, and depending how that is going; that right there, is a date to me. Saying that, it is nice to be wined and dined every once in a while though.

As it was gone 12am, we decided to call it a night. His mum had text to see if everything was alright. Turns out ’S’ had told her he was going to the gym, (I thought it was girls who lied to their parents about going out and meeting guys?), and since we had been out for a good few hours, she was a little concerned. Anyway, he dropped me off home, and it was clear that we both wanted to see each other again. I looked forward to it. We hugged, said goodnight, and I told him to get home safe.

THE AWKWARD MEETING...

OK, two days after we went on that drive, I bumped into him at my local gym. Absolutely drenched in my own sweat, with my hair sticking to my forehead. Lovely. It wasn’t even a situation where I could pretend I didn’t notice him, because as I came around the corner, he turned around just at the right time so that we locked eyes. My first thought? Well, shit.

I had to go over and say hi, it would have been rude not to. He had just arrived at the gym, so compared to me, he looked a solid 10/10. I would have been happy if the floor opened up there and then, and swallowed me whole in all honesty. I was so embarrassed, ah. After a quick little chat, I decided to leave him to his workout and get back to mine.

It’s fair to say that I couldn’t properly concentrate on my workout after that encounter. I’m not normally one who cares what people think of the state of me in the gym, because I do just go all in. I give my sessions everything I have. Most of the time anyway. I’m not there to look pretty. Yet, ’S’ seeing me like that so soon after meeting was not ideal. For me, anyway.

I was upstairs and he was downstairs when I got a message from him on my phone. Shit, I thought, again.

“Just bumped into the fittest girl in X… what a coincidence” 

… damn, I’m not sure ‘fittest’ was the best way of describing me at that moment in time. It was more like ‘sweatiest’.

Thankfully, I wasn’t far off finishing my workout, and after blasting out some cardio on the treadmill, I was so glad to get from the gym. Except, as I turned to come off the treadmill, dripping with even more sweat, I saw that ’S’ was on a machine directly behind them. Unbelievable. Again, I couldn’t simply just walk past him and go out. So, I went over to him and said I was heading off, and that I would see him Friday, as that was when we had planned to originally meet for the first time. ’S’ said he’d see me then, he was looking forward to it, and how it was nice to ‘bump’ into each other at the gym. Ha, not sure I could agree with the last point he made. But at least he was also sweating a bit this time we spoke, even if it wasn’t as much as I was.

We continued texting throughout the week, and ’S’ said he thought it was ‘cute’ how embarrassed I got when I saw him at the gym. Well, that’s something, I thought. We planned to go for a coffee on Friday evening, and since he had a free house, he asked if I wanted to go back to his to watch Netflix or something. Yeah… the whole Netflix and chill thing. I wasn’t sure what exactly he meant by Netflix and chill as that can insinuate two things. (side note: I would really like to know who ruined this phrase by deciding it’s now a euphemism for sexual activity). Anyway, I straight up said I was not that kind of girl, and would very much be going back to his to actually watch Netflix. He was fine with that. Although I also remember saying, “me going back to yours very much depends on how well the coffee goes.” Because, well, that was true.

THE COFFEE DATE...

Friday evening came and we met up for the coffee. It was quiet, which was nice. As soon as we sat down and started drinking the coffees, we just talked again. There was constant conversation and laughter. He was interested in getting to know me and my life, as much as I was interested to know more about him and his life.

We sat in the coffee shop for hours, and time was getting on. ’S’ asked if I wanted to go back to his. I had no other plans that night, so I thought why not. We drove to his house, which, I have to say… was stunning. When we got inside, I asked for a tour. 2 living rooms, 3 toilets, and a massive kitchen. Wow.

We sat in the more ‘chill’ living room, which was so cosy… especially with the dim lighting. You may or may not be surprised to know, we also did put Netflix on. We had a lot of films and TV shows in common, but eventually decided on Black Mirror. As we’re both chatty people, I don’t think we watched any of the episode we had playing. We just couldn’t stop talking. That’s not a bad thing though. We were both sat on his sofa, but there was a space between us. As I knew he had just come out of a long-term relationship, like myself, I wasn’t quite sure just what and how he was feeling. I didn’t want to get too close in case he didn’t want that. Then he turned to me, “so are we going to spoon then?”, he said, smiling. My jaw literally dropped - I was not expecting this. Obviously I moved closer though, and we cuddled. It was sweet.

The reason ’S’ had a free house for a few hours that evening was because both of his parents were out. It was around 10pm when his mum text to say she was on her way home. My time was up. 

Before I got off the sofa to put my shoes on, and as I got up from lying on his chest… he pulled me back towards him. Then, putting his hand under my chin, he kissed me. What. The. Hell. Again, I did not see that coming. But I was not complaining about it either. He was a bloody good kisser too. Like, exceptionally good. Next thing I knew, I was in his lap, and his hands were everywhere. Things were starting to take a turn… but unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, we had to go.

As his mum could have arrived home at any minute, we legged it to his car. It was funny. As we were driving out of his estate, a car was coming in, and ’S’ was convinced it was his mum! Oh god. Within minutes, she started calling him. We looked at each other, a little flustered. Neither of us knew what to do, or whether she had actually seen us. ’S’ rang his mum back, and I had to be quiet while she was on loudspeaker. How I managed to stay quiet, and not even so much let out a giggle I’ll never know.

’S’ had told his mum he was having a mate over for a few ‘drinks’, but they (we) decided not to and he was driving him, (me) home. ’S’ said that we had seen her on the road, but she said she didn’t see us. After rushing his mum off the phone, I could finally breathe again, but more importantly… I could laugh. What a close call. That’s what you get for being sneaky and telling a lie though.

Because neither of us wanted to go home, we decided to go on another drive and park up somewhere. When we parked up, I think we both exhaled a large amount of relief after that. After talking for a bit, I think I said something about the kiss, and how much I wasn’t expecting it. ’S’ said he did that because he wanted me to know what level he was on with me. As in, he wanted me to know that he liked me. Maybe I need more self-confidence, I don’t know, but… really? Me? Naturally I liked him too, and was glad he let me know.

Then the conversation got a little… heated. When you’re sat next to someone, parked up in the middle of nowhere, and in the dark, things can get a little intense. I’ll cut to it, he suggested the back seat.

First of all, as happy as I was that 1) he liked me, and 2) he kissed me… that was not going to happen. Not that night, and not in his car. No matter how tempting it was, and no matter how tempting he was. I just couldn’t. Plus, history seemed to be repeating itself here. One of the guys I first went on a Tinder date with, funnily enough - one of the ones from his school, suggested the same thing one time. If it didn’t happen with him, it was not going to happen with ’S’ either, sorry. He respected my decision, (so I thought), and after talking a while longer, we were both tired, and decided to head back. It was around 2-3am.

THE NIGHT OUT... 

There was a bank holiday coming up, so I asked ’S’ if he wanted to go out for some drinks; he said yes. In between the car escapade, we continued our texting. Every day. I’d be lying if I said that the texting during the evening didn’t get more flirtatious than it did during the day. More from his end. However, I wasn’t completely innocent myself. I think it’s pretty clear what was happening. Let’s just say, Snapchat is a convenient app. It can be a tease.

Anyway, the night out - 

That Bank Holiday evening we met up for drinks. He looked good. As we were out in our hometown, it was inevitable that we would see people we knew. My parents were also out that night, and knew I was on a date - I don’t lie about these things any more.

In the first bar we sat outside, and it felt like a ‘real’ date. At least, it did until my parents walked in. My dad barged over to us, interrupted, sat himself down, and introduced himself to ’S’. Fucking brilliant. I was so mad. I had my back to the door, so I didn’t see this coming. Thankfully, ’S’ handled it well, and said it was fine. It wasn’t fine - and although ’S’ was laughing, I was mortified. Only my dad would do that.

A bit later, we moved to another bar. A more lively one. More drinks were consumed, along with a few shots. We sat at the back, near a window and talked. It was nice to be able to sit and talk like that on a night out. It was fun. He was fun. I can’t remember how, or even why, but we ended up kissing in the place.

But, since we were in our hometown, pubs and bars seem to close earlier than they would in a bigger city. Another reason why my hometown is shit. It was only 2am, if that. We were literally told to leave this place as they were closing. Damn. I was enjoying that kiss. What’s more rubbish is the fact that nowhere else was open either. Well, nowhere that we would be able to hear ourselves speak.

Instead, we ended up endlessly wandering around town until we ended up at the back of a parish church. The whole place was tranquil. That was until we were heavily making out against a wall. I may have had a fair few drinks, but that didn’t mean I was not aware of things, and capable of saying no. For example, when his hand reached into something… no.

As much as I fancied him, I said we should stop. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to… but part of me didn’t. Because part of me started to realise that was all he wanted, despite him saying it wasn’t. It fucking was. By this point, I was desperate for the toilet anyway. If I’m being honest here, I was that desperate I ended up weeing in a carpark while he kept a look out. Yeah, I can be real classy when I want… not.

We sat on some grass and things just got heated. Again. Instigated by him. Again. Nevertheless, nothing happened. He walked me home, and he then got himself a taxi home.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT...

For a few days afterwards, I felt a bit uneasy. See, we’d spoken about things in person and via text, and I told him my reasons for not taking things further so soon, and he told me his for wanting to. He said he understood, and respected it. Yet, he constantly brought it up. Making a big deal out of it. “I just think if we both want it, then why not?” - as true as that was, I cannot give someone the benefits of having a girlfriend if that’s not what they truly want. I am not what you call a booty call. I wouldn’t mind, but I thought I had expressed that clearly to him. I was more into meeting up to have actual dates and getting to know him, rather than just meeting up for one thing; sex. 

He could tell I was a little off with him over text. I said I’d been thinking about things, and that I wanted to talk to him in person. That same night, we ended up meeting up as he really wanted to know what was bothering me. I told him, and he said he thought that was the problem. Yet, that didn’t stop him, or me actually from ending up in the backseat of his car just shortly after. It almost went there… but it didn’t. That’s what I mean when I say he was intense. He could be really persuasive. He made it hard.

After this, we agreed no more. No more letting things get so heated, whether it was hard not to or not. ’S’ also asked me on another date. An actual date this time. I was up for that, because he was a lovely guy, and I did want to spend time with him.

The date was rescheduled as I was ill, and then I moved back to Liverpool. When I cancelled the date and said I was ill, he said something like “that timing, it’s like your body is telling you I’m a bad influence.” See what I mean? No mention of it being a shame that he couldn't see me or anything. Just straight to the fact he wouldn't be getting any sex. Despite this, he did say he still wanted to come down and see me in Liverpool, and have a 'date', which again, I was up for.

We were suddenly not texting as much as we had been. They were a lot less frequent than they were at the beginning. I did want to see him, and he was more than welcome to come up. Then I got my period (wow, my body must’ve really disliked him). I told him because it was obvious what he thought was going to happen if he came up. I was right, and again, he mentioned how this was ‘bad timing’, was it though? Like really, what was the rush? If he wasn’t in a rush for an actual relationship with me, why be in a rush to sleep with me? I don’t know. Guys make my mind boggle. Honestly.

Oh, the best bit though? He also said that he didn’t ‘mind’ I was on my period if I didn’t. Seriously? I’d had and heard enough. It was pretty clear he didn’t actually want to see me at all. In fact, I don't even think he properly liked me. 

I could understand where he was coming from, and why he was hesitant of another relationship. I really could. Plus, it’s not as though I was expecting him to ask me to be his girlfriend in a matter of days, or even weeks. Because I wasn’t. But equally, I wasn’t prepared to continue seeing him time and time again if there was no sign of us ever entering a ‘relationship’ stage. I also knew that if I was to see him again, I probably wouldn’t be able to say no. Thinking back, he was a little too pushy. At least, that's how it felt.

I couldn’t just sit around and wait until he was ‘ready’ for another relationship, because he might not ever be, really. Again, in a few months time he could have ended up saying to me that he no longer wants to see me - which, he would have been entitled to do. But, at that point? I would’ve properly fallen for him, and he would’ve completely wasted my time. It was a tricky situation.

On the day he was due to come up to Liverpool, he messaged me asking if I was still up for it. I was, but I also told him I wasn’t if he was just coming in hope of getting into my pants. I said that I wanted to see him, but for the right reasons, and I didn’t feel as though that was being reciprocated. I said that he should probably enjoy being single. I put the ball in his court. If he genuinely wanted to see me, and spend time with me - he could. If not, then that was it. He was really nice, and I did enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. But I wanted commitment, and while I don’t know what he wanted apart from sex - it wasn’t the same as me.

So, sadly, or maybe not so sadly, we didn’t see each other again. It took him a over day to reply to my message (even though he had opened it and read it), and when he did - he pretty much made it clear that he was in it only for the sex. “I didn’t think you’d be up for it but I had to try, shame really because you are attractive.” Thanks? I didn’t reply, I mean, what could I possibly say to that? He certainly proved me right in that he wasn’t interested in seeing me though. Nice one.

The whole thing just made me feel a bit like a piece of meat towards the end. An object to be used rather than valued. And I hate that. I’ll admit, I am partly to blame too. Yet, it's not as though I didn’t tell him several times that I wasn’t that kind of girl. But again, he made it difficult for me each time in those situations. Sure, he was a great guy and all, but it was obvious what type of guy he was as time went on. For example, the texting went to being sexual 80% of the time, and every time I saw him, it seemed like he just couldn't wait to get his hands on me. Which is a shame. 

It just wasn’t going to work; it’s as plain and simple as that.