Now, if you happen to have known that I was in what I believed was a good, honest and lasting relationship… well: I’m not anymore. I know right, it was short-lived. But here we are, I am single; again. I’ve been dumped; again. I got my hopes up only for them to come tumbling down; again. But what hurts the most is that I actually, genuinely believed that I was ‘liked’. He made me believe that like no one else had quite managed to do. It’s just a shame that I wasn’t liked throughout our entire relationship or aware of that. I wasn’t told that the feeling wasn't entirely mutual. I kind of guessed that whilst mine had grown stronger his had faded, but I told myself that’s just men. Oh, how I was wrong.
What’s more annoying is that I started 2019 (as in, literally on New Years Eve itself) off with a person that I did like at that time, but because he wasn’t ready for anything serious and I was sick to death of not knowing where I stood with people; I dismissed it. By dismissing what that could have been instead of being patient, I met this person and consequently still got hurt in the end anyway. Maybe, just maybe... if I was more patient, things would have been different and I wouldn't be in this position now. I wouldn't be hurting. But, everything happens for a reason though, right?
I can’t even begin to think about writing a post on this relationship like I have with another ex and I don’t think I ever will. Funny thing is, I did intend to write about it when we were together at some point because I did want to tell what was our ‘story’. I wanted to write about all of things I fell for and liked. The things we did and the memories we made. But thank god I didn’t, though. Because that would make me look and feel like even more of a dick than I already do. But yes, it’s one topic/relationship I know I won’t write about. Period. Not because something bad happened or because it ended bitterly because it didn’t, really. I just thought I had something so genuine that I didn’t ever imagine myself to be writing such post and using past tenses. At least not quite so soon anyway. To do so, I think I would break my own heart in the process. This post itself is hard enough; I wasn’t prepared for writing this. Like I said, the post I thought I would write was not a break-up one; but again, I was wrong. I thought what we had was serious and I thought he was as serious about me as I was about him. I put my entire heart and soul into what we had but it wasn’t reciprocated to the same extent.
I thought my post about him would be how we met and how we got to where we were because it was refreshing. It was such a lovely journey. And I’m devastated that it had to come to an end like it did; and not because I wanted it to either. The whole thing was a process. It was properly ‘dating’. We didn’t rush into anything and we let things develop naturally because we both knew what we wanted and what would come from it eventually; a relationship. But I guess not.
Thinking about it all, another thing that hurts is the fact that I don’t open up to just anyone. It takes a long time for me to do that. Whilst I didn’t 100% tell this person everything; he sure as hell knew more about me than anyone ever has. Now that is what makes things worse. It was the first time I properly felt like I could open up to someone and talk about things because while I'm capable of talking to almost anyone about random shit; I am not quite capable of saying how I feel. It was also the first time I really did become a soppy bastard and left my ice queen persona behind; showing that I do actually have a heart. Honestly; I was probably a bit cringe worthy with some of the things I would say and do, but I liked him that fucking much. I liked every single thing and I especially liked what he didn’t like about himself.
To make matters worse, I don’t think I had ever been so vulnerable with someone and my true self. By my ‘true self’, I mean an absolute weirdo who sings to themselves and makes random noises and just does stupid little things. For instance, I would easily sing my heart out in his car even though every word was out of tune; sometimes even out of time. I felt so natural and comfortable with him and I hadn’t been like that with anyone else for years. Again; that was my mistake.
Like I said, I'm used to being dumped. I'm used to the whole can’t sleep, loss of appetite, laying in the same awkward position watching shit TV shows that just so happen to have romantic elements in; all whilst telling everyone to fuck off. But still, that doesn't make it any easier. There even comes a point where crying becomes tedious and you want to stop and give yourself a good bloody shake. Because after all, no one has died. Having said that, it is a loss that you are experiencing; of sorts.
You spend days, weeks, maybe months moping around in your own self-pity. You might get a bit bitter at some point and generalise everything not only from this relationship, but all of your other ones. “I’ll never trust anyone again!”, “I hate men.” You know how it is. Then you have everyone around you telling you that you’re better off without them, you’re worth more and the one thing I fucking hate hearing the most: “it’s his loss.” Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t; either way it doesn’t make you (that 'you' being me) feel any better. It doesn’t change the fact that I was dumped and hurt by someone I thought would never do that to me. The person I put my entire trust into. Nor does it change how stupid I feel for letting myself get so invested and unguarded. But you know what, people hurt you sometimes; whether they mean to or not.
People also try to build you back up again with the whole“you’re gorgeous, you’re intelligent, you’re funny. You could have anyone!” or “there will be a queue of guys wanting to date you” (not), and even if that’s true; you don’t want anyone else and you don’t believe you’re all of those things. You want the person that left you despite them doing that to you in the first place. Despite them knowing that every other person had left you previously and that you were so scared of having that happen to you again. Despite them saying they wouldn’t do that to you; they wouldn’t leave you.
You still can’t believe it’s happened to you again, but it has. When that harsh reality hits you, even for the 100th time since it happened, tears will still roll down your cheeks. See, when someone you thought the world of breaks up with you; it simply creates a perfect storm of pain because it's rejection. But not just any rejection; it’s personal. Personal because that person knows you so well and has experienced things with you; both physically and emotionally. They’ve probably seen you at your best and at your worst. I know I was seen at my best and worse so many times. You start to put your self-worth entirely into what is now your ex’s hands. I mean, I can’t even describe how it makes me feel in terms of my appearance and personality; not that I have ever been full of myself or confident with how I look and how I am, but you know… I definitely now look at myself even more differently than I did before and wonder whether I’m attractive.
You think you’re the problem and that’s why it ended. You blame yourself. At least, I do. Always. I’m either too much or not enough and I’m still yet to be proved wrong. I think I was perhaps a mixture of both this time. You replay so many memories and situations that you had together and think to yourself “maybe if I said this and not that…” or “I should have done this instead of that…”. Anything and everything to make you believe that you could have stopped it from ending. You sit there replaying those times that you had in your head; wanting nothing more than to have them back. You wonder if they ever truly liked you at all since they were so easily able to up and leave you like that. You feel like the rug has been ripped from underneath you. You don’t feel good enough in any way, shape or form; and you certainly feel as though what you had was not even worth fighting for when the dumper makes it so clear that the possibility of wanting to make things work had not and would not cross their mind.
THEN, THE WORST PART...
… you miss them. Of course you, despite everything; you miss them and would do anything to have them back. They’re still on your mind and you wonder how they’re doing (I do, anyway) and what they’re up to. Hell, I even worry if they’re OK or not multiple times a day. The struggle of not texting them to check in is real. You so badly want to. You want to call and hear their voice one more time. You have to stop yourself from sending that text that took you hours to compose in the first place because no good would come out of it.
You will lie in bed at night thinking of them and knowing that they won’t be doing the same kicks you right where it hurts; as if you need be hurting any more. Sometimes you might even wake up in the night or morning and wonder whether it’s all just a bad dream; if only. Your mind decides to play some tricks on you too that makes you wonder whether or not there was or is someone else. Deep down you know there wasn’t, but you can’t help but think that.
You’ll remember your forgone plans. For example, we had a holiday arranged and he was just about to meet my parents for the first time. We had so many date ideas. Hell, I even had a list of films to watch together on my phone as well as a playlist on Spotify. I kept all of our little date things like the scorecard from when we went golfing one time and the card I had for my birthday. You’re torn between keeping them because it only encourages you to hang onto what is now the past, but equally you don’t want to let it go. Because letting go would mean it’s really over.
You scroll through social media and see so many cute couples and start to wonder if that will ever be you. You feel like it never will be and that you will always see other people in love and happy; never yourself. You see a funny meme that reminds you of them and then you remember that you can’t send it to them any more. Your heart sinks into what feels like a bottomless pit when you see their name unexpectedly appear on something. One minute you feel semi-ok and the next you break down and cry. It’s fucking shit.
"IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD" ...
… no, I know it’s not. I know there are far worse things happening around me. But that doesn’t mean it won’t feel like the end of the world at first when 1) you didn't expect it and 2) it's happened again. Especially when you thought you had met someone different this time and had something that would last a lot longer than it actually did. Especially when you made someone your choice but they didn’t make you theirs.
Whilst it’s not the end of the world per se; it is still the end of something. It’s still a form of loss and I believe you do go through a grieving process. You lose the little things like good morning and goodnight texts. It’s the little things like that which hurt the most. It’s that sudden absence of what may seem like trivial things that ache so heavily upon you. Suddenly, the one person you would tell news to (good and bad) is no longer there and their name will never appear on your phone again. You don’t just lose a boyfriend either, you lose a best friend. You won’t have somebody to text all the time or call when you miss them. Listening to music will be risky because guarantee a song that reminds you of them will play and then you’ll want to cry. Again.
Then, you realise you will eventually have to start dating again. That’s the worst part for me. It makes me feel physically sick because if I was at a point where I felt like giving up with dating and relationships before I even met this person; I definitely am now. I know that sounds melodramatic for someone who is 23-years old; but I’m so incredibly tired of talking to people, getting to know them really well and eventually meeting, only for nothing to come from it. I’m bored of it. I’m bored of being temporary and I’m bored of telling people the same old things that they will never remember in time or even care about. And more importantly, I'm bored of never being enough. I feel like it’s a never-ending cycle and I wish it would end. Talk, meet once, maybe twice; never again and repeat.
Again, whenever you do decide to step back out there, no person will be the one you once had. You will try and look for them in other people but you will never find them. At first you will think that’s a bad thing but in time you’ll see that it’s not, because you have learnt more about what it is that you want and what you are worth. That person may have been one of a kind and the one you want(ed), but you know there are other people out there even if you hate to think about that. Which I absolutely do. Even when you do eventually meet someone, you will be more cautious and afraid of feeling anything again; I know I certainly will be. Letting someone else in will become even harder. Each time things end for me or I’m cut off, I seem to put up another wall because I know it will happen again. It’s almost as though it’s inevitable.
I have to say though, there is one good thing that comes out of a break-up. You are reminded that there are some great people in your life and you are not as alone as you think. I have had messages of support and kindness from people I don’t even know as well as people that I do. It’s funny because a lot of people are shocked that it’s even ended; yes, me too, but that’s life sometimes isn’t it. People come and go and it just so happens that I am constantly experiencing that. Nevertheless, I had no choice but to let go and accept his decision. I could have fought and pleaded and my God, I wanted to. Unfortunately though, I don’t think you can make somebody want you when they don’t and you simply can’t make someone think or feel as deeply as you do. You might want to; but you can’t.
What people should know about me is that I’m a bit like an elastic band; I snap back pretty quickly. Sure, this hurts like hell and I'm not going to pretend I'm not sad because I really am. But, I know this process all too well and there is absolutely no point whatsoever in moping around pining for someone who doesn’t want you (me). Why? Because as hard as it is for me to believe that there is someone out there who will want me; there is. It will just take a very, very long time for me to trust that.
I'm trying to be positive because at the end of the day, it was him who let me go. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try; you're just not enough for the one person you want to be enough for and as horrible as it is, you need to accept that; so this is me doing that. People are surprised that I'm not mad or resentful for what's happened, but what is that going to achieve? Nothing. I'm hurt and I think that's enough.
So yes, once again I am S-I-N-G-L-E. Once again I will have to embrace the new and somehow accept that it just wasn’t meant to be like I thought it was and like I wanted it to be. To be honest, I have decided that I’m going to start putting a £1 away for every time somebody enters my life and then leaves. Why? Because I will end up being a fucking millionaire and who wouldn’t want that? I think it would be a lot better for me in the long run than have my heart feel like a well-used and perforated dartboard.
THE SAME OLD PROCESS...
Like I said, I'm used to being dumped. I'm used to the whole can’t sleep, loss of appetite, laying in the same awkward position watching shit TV shows that just so happen to have romantic elements in; all whilst telling everyone to fuck off. But still, that doesn't make it any easier. There even comes a point where crying becomes tedious and you want to stop and give yourself a good bloody shake. Because after all, no one has died. Having said that, it is a loss that you are experiencing; of sorts.
People also try to build you back up again with the whole“you’re gorgeous, you’re intelligent, you’re funny. You could have anyone!” or “there will be a queue of guys wanting to date you” (not), and even if that’s true; you don’t want anyone else and you don’t believe you’re all of those things. You want the person that left you despite them doing that to you in the first place. Despite them knowing that every other person had left you previously and that you were so scared of having that happen to you again. Despite them saying they wouldn’t do that to you; they wouldn’t leave you.
You still can’t believe it’s happened to you again, but it has. When that harsh reality hits you, even for the 100th time since it happened, tears will still roll down your cheeks. See, when someone you thought the world of breaks up with you; it simply creates a perfect storm of pain because it's rejection. But not just any rejection; it’s personal. Personal because that person knows you so well and has experienced things with you; both physically and emotionally. They’ve probably seen you at your best and at your worst. I know I was seen at my best and worse so many times. You start to put your self-worth entirely into what is now your ex’s hands. I mean, I can’t even describe how it makes me feel in terms of my appearance and personality; not that I have ever been full of myself or confident with how I look and how I am, but you know… I definitely now look at myself even more differently than I did before and wonder whether I’m attractive.
You think you’re the problem and that’s why it ended. You blame yourself. At least, I do. Always. I’m either too much or not enough and I’m still yet to be proved wrong. I think I was perhaps a mixture of both this time. You replay so many memories and situations that you had together and think to yourself “maybe if I said this and not that…” or “I should have done this instead of that…”. Anything and everything to make you believe that you could have stopped it from ending. You sit there replaying those times that you had in your head; wanting nothing more than to have them back. You wonder if they ever truly liked you at all since they were so easily able to up and leave you like that. You feel like the rug has been ripped from underneath you. You don’t feel good enough in any way, shape or form; and you certainly feel as though what you had was not even worth fighting for when the dumper makes it so clear that the possibility of wanting to make things work had not and would not cross their mind.
THEN, THE WORST PART...
… you miss them. Of course you, despite everything; you miss them and would do anything to have them back. They’re still on your mind and you wonder how they’re doing (I do, anyway) and what they’re up to. Hell, I even worry if they’re OK or not multiple times a day. The struggle of not texting them to check in is real. You so badly want to. You want to call and hear their voice one more time. You have to stop yourself from sending that text that took you hours to compose in the first place because no good would come out of it.
You will lie in bed at night thinking of them and knowing that they won’t be doing the same kicks you right where it hurts; as if you need be hurting any more. Sometimes you might even wake up in the night or morning and wonder whether it’s all just a bad dream; if only. Your mind decides to play some tricks on you too that makes you wonder whether or not there was or is someone else. Deep down you know there wasn’t, but you can’t help but think that.
You’ll remember your forgone plans. For example, we had a holiday arranged and he was just about to meet my parents for the first time. We had so many date ideas. Hell, I even had a list of films to watch together on my phone as well as a playlist on Spotify. I kept all of our little date things like the scorecard from when we went golfing one time and the card I had for my birthday. You’re torn between keeping them because it only encourages you to hang onto what is now the past, but equally you don’t want to let it go. Because letting go would mean it’s really over.
You scroll through social media and see so many cute couples and start to wonder if that will ever be you. You feel like it never will be and that you will always see other people in love and happy; never yourself. You see a funny meme that reminds you of them and then you remember that you can’t send it to them any more. Your heart sinks into what feels like a bottomless pit when you see their name unexpectedly appear on something. One minute you feel semi-ok and the next you break down and cry. It’s fucking shit.
"IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD" ...
… no, I know it’s not. I know there are far worse things happening around me. But that doesn’t mean it won’t feel like the end of the world at first when 1) you didn't expect it and 2) it's happened again. Especially when you thought you had met someone different this time and had something that would last a lot longer than it actually did. Especially when you made someone your choice but they didn’t make you theirs.
Whilst it’s not the end of the world per se; it is still the end of something. It’s still a form of loss and I believe you do go through a grieving process. You lose the little things like good morning and goodnight texts. It’s the little things like that which hurt the most. It’s that sudden absence of what may seem like trivial things that ache so heavily upon you. Suddenly, the one person you would tell news to (good and bad) is no longer there and their name will never appear on your phone again. You don’t just lose a boyfriend either, you lose a best friend. You won’t have somebody to text all the time or call when you miss them. Listening to music will be risky because guarantee a song that reminds you of them will play and then you’ll want to cry. Again.
Then, you realise you will eventually have to start dating again. That’s the worst part for me. It makes me feel physically sick because if I was at a point where I felt like giving up with dating and relationships before I even met this person; I definitely am now. I know that sounds melodramatic for someone who is 23-years old; but I’m so incredibly tired of talking to people, getting to know them really well and eventually meeting, only for nothing to come from it. I’m bored of it. I’m bored of being temporary and I’m bored of telling people the same old things that they will never remember in time or even care about. And more importantly, I'm bored of never being enough. I feel like it’s a never-ending cycle and I wish it would end. Talk, meet once, maybe twice; never again and repeat.
Again, whenever you do decide to step back out there, no person will be the one you once had. You will try and look for them in other people but you will never find them. At first you will think that’s a bad thing but in time you’ll see that it’s not, because you have learnt more about what it is that you want and what you are worth. That person may have been one of a kind and the one you want(ed), but you know there are other people out there even if you hate to think about that. Which I absolutely do. Even when you do eventually meet someone, you will be more cautious and afraid of feeling anything again; I know I certainly will be. Letting someone else in will become even harder. Each time things end for me or I’m cut off, I seem to put up another wall because I know it will happen again. It’s almost as though it’s inevitable.
MOVING ON...
I have to say though, there is one good thing that comes out of a break-up. You are reminded that there are some great people in your life and you are not as alone as you think. I have had messages of support and kindness from people I don’t even know as well as people that I do. It’s funny because a lot of people are shocked that it’s even ended; yes, me too, but that’s life sometimes isn’t it. People come and go and it just so happens that I am constantly experiencing that. Nevertheless, I had no choice but to let go and accept his decision. I could have fought and pleaded and my God, I wanted to. Unfortunately though, I don’t think you can make somebody want you when they don’t and you simply can’t make someone think or feel as deeply as you do. You might want to; but you can’t.
What people should know about me is that I’m a bit like an elastic band; I snap back pretty quickly. Sure, this hurts like hell and I'm not going to pretend I'm not sad because I really am. But, I know this process all too well and there is absolutely no point whatsoever in moping around pining for someone who doesn’t want you (me). Why? Because as hard as it is for me to believe that there is someone out there who will want me; there is. It will just take a very, very long time for me to trust that.
I'm trying to be positive because at the end of the day, it was him who let me go. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try; you're just not enough for the one person you want to be enough for and as horrible as it is, you need to accept that; so this is me doing that. People are surprised that I'm not mad or resentful for what's happened, but what is that going to achieve? Nothing. I'm hurt and I think that's enough.
So yes, once again I am S-I-N-G-L-E. Once again I will have to embrace the new and somehow accept that it just wasn’t meant to be like I thought it was and like I wanted it to be. To be honest, I have decided that I’m going to start putting a £1 away for every time somebody enters my life and then leaves. Why? Because I will end up being a fucking millionaire and who wouldn’t want that? I think it would be a lot better for me in the long run than have my heart feel like a well-used and perforated dartboard.
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