Black Summer

Here is a little tip for anyone out there who is thinking of getting themselves on the dating scene: make sure you are completely over your ex. Please. I know there is a phrase that goes along the lines of "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" ... and having been there and done that myself, I can honestly say that it doesn't always work. Not only does it make you feel shit (at least, that's how it made me feel), it also makes the other person feel shit because you're basically using them to fill your void. Especially if you're not upfront and honest about it. Which, let's be honest... not many of you would be.

So, having dated no end of fuck boys and a fair few psychopaths (whose dates I will never write about), it was about time I dated someone who, despite having many positive traits, also came with baggage, wasn't it? Emotional baggage; per se. And that's where 'L' came along.

YOU HAVE A NEW CONNECTION!

'L' and I matched on Bumble. I will never forget when this was because it was an August bank holiday and I was on the train home from Leeds. The train was full of those who had spent the week or weekend at Leeds festival, and although I had only been in Leeds the night before, I looked pretty similar to those who had spent several days camping; aka, worse for wear. I don't even remember swiping on 'L' but I must have done and must have only done it about 12hrs previously on my way down to Leeds because of his location.

Obviously with free WiFi and data on the train, what else was I going to do other than message 'L'? Bumble is that dating app where the girls have to message the guy within 24 hours or you will automatically unmatch. I've always liked that about Bumble because it meant that if I had made an 'accidental' swipe, I had the choice of whether to message them or not. Whenever I received a match or connection on there, I would always get the guys profile up to look back on to decide whether or not I should message them. I don't know if that makes me sound bad or not. There were a lot of guys who I mistakenly swiped right on and ended up matching with that I wouldn't message for various reasons after looking back on their profile. I.e no bio, looking for 'something casual', only had one photo or looked like the kind of guy who would ruin your life, etc - and so that's what I mean by I liked Bumble. I could sort of pick and choose if you like. Anyway, I remember 'L' having 10/10 on the profile front. He had good photos, a bio and all of the info that Bumble suggests you add; your job, degree, height, etc. 

'L' was an actor. I know right? Another one. If you've not read a previous post of mine about an experience with an actor, click here. But yes, 'L' was an actor, older than me as he was around 27/28, not too local but not too far away and he was also into the gym. In fact, I remember the exact picture that probably made me swipe right because it was one where he was in the gym using the battle ropes. He looked good and those muscles were popping. A bit like my eyes were when I saw. Oh, it's also worth me saying at this point that he looked a lot like Tom Holland (Spider-Man). Scarily like Tom Holland actually, who by the way, I think is cute as hell. So, all in all, there was no reason for me not to message 'L'. I don't remember what I initially said as my opening message, but I think it might have had something to do with him being an actor or about the gym. Either way, he replied instantly.

That train journey from Leeds to home sure went a lot faster when I had a good conversation with 'L' going on. We hit it off (by text) immediately and it was great. He actually sent me photo of him at the time on the app because Bumble allows you to send photos for some reason (I still don't know if that's a good or bad thing) and although he was still in bed from a heavy night, he looked a lot better than I would have. I look fucking scary when I've woken up. I'm talking Hagrid x The Grudge kind of scary. But anyway, it was a pleasant surprise as most guys I've spoken to or been with for that matter are really weird when it comes to selfies. After a few hours of ping pong texting via Bumble, once I had arrived home, we took the next step and exchanged numbers.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am a sucker for WhatsApp. So of course, 'L' and I proceeded to chat via WhatsApp which meant that I received more photos from him throughout that day and the rest of the evening. We chatted about all sorts. Funnily enough, he had read quite a bit of this blog and took pity on my dating history and so we spoke a lot about that and he was genuinely interested in it.

I'm certain that I've said this before but, whenever I am in a 'talking stage' with someone, I like to... how do I put it, experiment? I don't know. But what I mean is, rather than wait until a date (if one ever comes about), I like to see whether or not I think we would 'match' in person I guess. I do this by sending voice notes. Because, if I get a voice note back... that immediately shows me that we're on the same level. You can sense a lot about someones personality through a simple voice note or better yet, a phone call. If I get the whole, "I'm not recording my voice because I sound so bad" kind of thing... I'm a little put off because, it's just your voice. If you can't speak to me on the phone, how are you going to speak to me in real life? I just find texting mundane sometimes. At least when you're sending a voice note, it seems a little more personal. Anyway, I did what I do and sent 'L' a voice note. Rather than text me back a reply, I could see "... is recording audio..." on my WhatsApp. Bingo. We were off to a great start.

ARRANGING A DATE...

As it was late August, the tenancy for my flat in Liverpool hadn't restarted and so I was living back home in Wales for at least another week or so. 'L' asked me out on a date and I obviously agreed. I explained my situation and that I was further away than I would usually be since I was at home. 'L' was very keen to meet and even offered to come down to my hometown in Wales which I thought was sweet but I said that I would prefer to wait until I was back in Liverpool, which wouldn't be all that long anyway. In the meantime, that gave us an opportunity to get to know each other a little better before our date. It wasn't a case of having to speak to someone for weeks and weeks, if not months before we met up; it was an ideal amount of time that meant neither of us would get bored and end up not meeting or something.

'L' was a freelance actor and spent most of his days arranging auditions, going to auditions or searching for them. As well as that, he was big into the gym and would send me videos of him working out which I liked. A lot. I was quite jealous of his daily routine actually because being freelance meant that he could work whenever he wanted and as little or as much as possible. 'L' would spend his evenings binge-watching Netflix until the early morning and then get up at midday/afternoon. That seemed like a much better routine than what I had going on at the time... getting up at 5.30am some days to hit the gym before university.

I was back in Liverpool before I knew it and 'L' and I arranged a date for that same week. A Monday evening, which was great because it meant that the bars would be dead and I would be able to have an actual conversation with him rather than have to shout across table. 'L' told me that he had an audition as a Doctor on Emmerdale the next day (Tuesday) but that he still wanted to do our date on Monday; the night before. I wasn't going to object. I remember really looking forward to the date for various reasons and 'L' said the same thing. Maybe it was because he was older (not that age means a fucking thing). Or maybe it was because 'L' oozed in confidence and that came across really attractive via text and voice notes. Whatever the reason; I was very much excited.

DATE NIGHT...

'L' and I's date was quite different to others that I have had because it was an actual date. As in, I dressed up and made an effort and we went out. It wasn't a case of "come over and we'll watch Netflix and chill" or "let's go for a drive". 'L' took me out. I was looking forward to it all day and I couldn't wait to get ready actually. We both sent photos of our prospective outfits laid out on our bed; mine being a red tight fitting skirt and a black crop top and his being a crisp white shirt.

Since it was a weekday and 'L' could drive, he said that he would drive down to Liverpool and park outside mine because there would be no time limit on our date that way. I hate that with public transport, because if I'm really getting on with someone on a date and one of us has to leave to catch the bus or train... killer. It made no odds to me how 'L' decided to get to mine just as long as he did turn up. I think the drive from where he lived to where I do was around 45 minutes. However, it took longer than expected due to it being a Monday and peak time. Not only that, Liverpool is flooded with traffic lights that stay on red for what seems to be the longest time. I did warn 'L' about that though. 

On his way to mine and while stuck in traffic, 'L' sent me some bored selfies or videos of himself patiently waiting at the traffic lights along with voice notes stressing about the fact that he would probably end up being late. This made me that bit more excited actually. Because he was almost here, but I still had to wait that little bit longer. I guess I was starting to get real psyched for our date.

'L' finally arrived and not too much later than anticipated. He text me saying that he was outside and so I made my way down 7 flights of stairs to meet him. I think I had a teeny bit of butterflies in my stomach too. This was probably the first proper 'date' I had since breaking up with an ex a few months prior. 

I got to the ground floor of my building and made my way to the main door; composing myself in the process. I pulled open the door and 'L' was just making his way towards me. The first thing I noticed was the fact he had left a few of the top buttons of his shirt open and I could see a little chest definition... nice. Followed by his pearly white teeth and a kind, genuine smile. 'L' was around 5'7 (maybe taller, I can't remember...), which was the perfect height for me who still only stood at 5'4 in my heels of choice that night. We hugged and it was so nice to meet him in the flesh. Not that I didn't think it would be, though. Before making our way to a bar, 'L' took the time to stop and mention how nice I looked. I liked that.

'L' and I walked to a bar and chatted all the way. Everything was as expected. When we arrived at the almost empty bar, 'L' opened the door for me and told me to get a seat as he knew what to order me. I did as I was told and chose a high sofa in a corner with a table. Whilst he was getting served, I sneakily text those who knew about the date and said that I was safe and that I think I'd be in for a good date. 

Soon enough, 'L' made his way over with our drinks and sat down. I couldn't help but judge him on his choice of alcohol... Rekorderlig. Only as a joke though, because when we were texting, 'L' was telling me about some of his mad nights out that were sponsored by a tonne of vodka, so I didn't expect him to walk over with a cider. Although, it was a first date I guess, and he was driving. 

For once, this was a date where I could almost sit back and relax because I didn't have to do the majority of the talking. 'L' took the lead with that. We spoke a lot about our dating experiences and if I thought mine were bad... some of 'L's' have to be up there. I specifically remember these two because, well, read for yourself.

Date 1: 'L' had arranged a date with a girl from online to go to the Manchester Christmas markets. All seemed well and good until 'L' arrived and spotted said girl. 'L' waved and once she saw him, she immediately took a U-turn and disappeared. That was the end of that.

Date 2: 'L' went on another date with a girl who was around my age and like us, they went to a bar. Halfway through the date, the girl said she needed to go to the toilet. 'L' politely sat at their table with his drink and waited... and waited... and waited. The girl didn't return. 'L' said that the only way she could have got away was through the window in the toilets or by somehow sneaking past him whilst he was sat at their table waiting for her return. Either way, you would have to be a particular type of person to do either of those things on a (first) date...

I felt bad for 'L' when he was telling me these, but the way he was telling me, I could see that neither experience had phased him at all. It was what it was and he took them on the chin like a man. I don't think I could have. I said sorry that this had happened to him, but he laughed it off and I ended up laughing about it too. I remember needing to go the toilet at one point myself and I made the point of saying that I wasn't going to do a runner. And I didn't. I've done many things on a first date, but doing a runner is not one of them.

The date was going really well and every so often 'L' would make some sort of physical contact. Either by touching my arm, lightly stroking it or touching my hair. I think when that starts to happen, that's a sign that the date is going well. At least, for me anyway.

Now, maybe it was because he was an actor, but 'L''s personality was very outlandish and boisterous and that caught me off guard. I wasn't used to someone having that kind of energy on a first date. Normally, guys I date are quite quiet and timid in that respect, and I'm the loud one who doesn't stop talking. But not this time.

We were the only two in the bar towards the end and 'L' just kept on telling me these stories and as much as I loved hearing them, part of me couldn't help but think of how loud and in my face he was being. He was so animated. But it was funny. He really was being an actor with the way he was narrating the stories. I could see the bartenders getting ready to close stopping in their work to listen to him because he was that loud.

I learnt a lot about 'L' that night. I learnt a lot about his family, his career and what he was like in school. I learnt a lot about his dating life and history and it was all very interesting. I didn't really have to ask many questions because 'L' would just go off on a tangent and I could just sit there and listen. However, there was one thing that alerted me a little and that was the fact that in 28 years, he had only had one serious girlfriend. I raised an eyebrow at that, but 'L' said that he had never wanted a girlfriend and to settle down as such until now. 'L' had always preferred having a good time over being in a relationship and I could respect that. He was being honest. When talking about the one relationship that he had, he referred to that ex as his 'first love' and I didn't think anything of that because I guess that was his first love and 'L' told me how they had broken up a while ago after being together for just over a year. So for me, there was nothing wrong with that.

Then we moved onto talking about my love life and history. I wasn't quite expecting to be questioned on that because quite a lot of people find it weird and off-putting to talk about on a first date. I don't, though. Personally, I prefer to talk about it on a first date because, for some strange reason, I feel as though it tells me a lot about you as a person. For example, one guy repeatedly told me that his ex was "psycho", "toxic" and had "issues"... yet, a week or so down the line; I found out he was actually talking about himself. So see, I think how you describe your ex (relationships) is a good indicator of the kind of person that you really are. It can point out red flags or what is to come. Anyway, I told 'L' everything he wanted to know and I had the whole sympathy card and 

"I don't understand how you're single and so unlucky with guys" (yeah, story of my life) ... etc.

Eventually we had to leave as the bar was closing. 'L' and I walked back to mine and to where he had left his car. When we arrived outside my building, we both stood there unsure of what to do. The date had come to an end but it could also continue if I invited him in. It was tricky because inviting him in to my flat could go one of two ways and I was trying to be the saint and be respectful as to not put either of us in that situation on a first date, even though I did fancy him. I've done it a lot of times and I wanted to start taking a different approach to things. 'L' and I both awkwardly stood there for some time, debating whether or not to say goodnight. In the end I said fuck it and invited him in. Not because I wanted to get down and dirty, but because I actually enjoyed his company in the bar and wanted it for a little longer. 

DATE NIGHT CONTINUED...

'L' came into my flat and we continued to talking. In fact, 'L' ended up showing me a lot of videos of him performing in different plays and in Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He also had a cameo in an episode of Coronation Street where he was asked to play a background character on Valentine's Day and kiss his co-star. Apparently by the time they were finished getting the scene 'right' after many, many outtakes, his jaw was sore from all of the kissing. 'L' got the clip up on YouTube and it was so funny and cringe to watch because he was proper going for it and necking the girl in the background. Of course being an actor meant that 'L' could do various accents and so of course, the natural thing for me to do then was to get him to talk in different accents. I was having a great time and to make it even better, we kissed. Then, 'L' suddenly sat up and had a weird expression on his face. I asked if something was wrong, and to be honest, part of me shit myself in thinking that the kiss was bad and that I was a terrible kisser or something, but that was when 'L' confessed something to me...

... Remember I said that 'L' had an audition at Emmerdale the next day? Well, 'L' presumed that the date would go well and that he would get invited back to mine and eventually stay over. So much so that had an overnight bag in his car with a change of clothes, meaning that he could go straight from mine to the audition the next day. I didn't know what to say to that because I didn't expect it. He apologised for it and for making such a presumption but it didn't matter. The damage had been done and there was no way I was going to let him stay over now. I wasn't mad, I was just a little surprised that he thought of me in that way. I don't know. It was comical but also a little cocky on his behalf in the fact that he really thought that. 'L' said that he understood and that he felt like kicking himself for being so stupid and thinking like that to begin with. 

After a while, we called it a night and I made 'L' go home. Was that harsh? Perhaps. But at least 'L' would have learnt a valuable lesson that night; not to make assumptions about me. I still agreed to see him again though because I had a great night and I liked him. I was just sticking to my guns whilst teaching him a lesson I guess. Plus, it was self sabotage on his behalf anyway though. 

THE NEXT FEW WEEKS...

'L' and I continued to date for a few weeks. Things were going well and I even stayed at his house a few times. I used to get the train down and 'L' used to insist on driving me back up to Liverpool the next day instead of letting me get the train. I had just started my post-grad course at university at the time and my stress levels were already through the roof when I realised what an intense year I would have ahead of me. 'L' knew all of this and was that type of chilled, laid back person who could somehow make even me feel calm in the middle of one of my stressy episodes. 

'L' respected my work/study ethic and always wanted to know what I was doing or how my day at university was. He really did want me to succeed and do well. He had a solution to any problem I had or an ability to talk me round if I was worrying about something. 'L' really did care about little things like that and my mental well-being. This is why 'L' always suggested that I should go up to his for one or two evenings to 'switch off' and leave my university work and studies behind for a while. He thought I worked too hard and put too much pressure on myself, which in all honesty; is true. It took some convincing, but it worked in the end and I soon found myself heading to his on what would have been an every weekend basis. 

'L' lived in a quiet neighbourhood and had a gorgeous Alsatian dog called Cody that I probably gave more attention to sometimes (sorry 'L'...). I really enjoyed the times spent at 'L's' place because I could fully relax. I was in a totally different town and environment compared to the hustle and bustle of Liverpool City centre. 'L' would make me dinner and be up making me breakfast the next day. We used to walk his dog on the field opposite his house and then spend the rest of the day watching Netflix in bed. It was great. Speaking of bed, he had the comfiest bed in the world. I'm not lying when I say I could have easily stayed there forever. I'm not usually one for staying in bed, but my God was it difficult to get out of that one. It was like sleeping on a cloud. 'L' even introduced me to some video games like Doom and although I was terrible, I still had a lot of fun trying to play.

During these visits, 'L' and I obviously got to know more about one another each time and this is when I started to realise something. 'L' would always talk about his ex in some way, shape or form. His ex or 'first love' should I say, would always come into conversation somehow. I started to find that odd. I learnt a little more about their relationship and a lot more about how they broke up and the circumstances of it. I felt the hurt that 'L' had experienced when he was telling me what happened. In fact, I could see the hurt on his face still. And the more I listened, the more I realised that I could never compete. Here I was, but I wasn't what he wanted and we both knew that deep down. 'L' would even compare us sometimes and not realise it.

On one occasion, we were lying in bed and about to go to sleep, his ex was mentioned for whatever reason, so I turned to him and asked if he really was over her and he said something along the lines of, 

"I think so, but a part of me will always love her".

I was taken aback by that comment. I mean, if you're lying in bed with a girl you're dating, that's not really something you say, is it? But, you know, I did ask after all. I brushed it off at the time because part of me could understand and somewhat relate, I guess. The effect of that sentence didn't hit me until I really thought about it afterwards. And to be honest, I wasn't sure whether the constant reminiscence was his way of being comfortable enough to tell about his past relationship and share those thoughts and feelings with me or whether it was because he really hadn't got over it. 

THREE IS A CROWD...

When 'L' used to drive me back to Liverpool, we would have such fun in the car and such a laugh. We could just naturally be silly and sing old throwback songs at the top of our lungs and laugh like no one was watching. It was as if we were the only two people driving on the motorway. 'L' would also let me play Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey loudly which was always a bonus. When we arrived in Liverpool, 'L' would drop me off right outside my building and watch to make sure I got in safely.

I arrived back at mine one Sunday afternoon and without realising it; that would be the last time I would see 'L' and spend time at his house. 

As soon as I got back, I started to think about things. 'L' clearly wasn't over his ex and I could sense that now more than ever. I felt a bit gutted because I had started to like him; but I wasn't about to play second fiddle to his 'first love' and it wasn't just about me and my feelings, really. That comment he made about a part of him always loving her and the fact that he seemed to talk about her a heck of a lot for someone who was 'over' it really struck accord with me. Just the fact that she was so often brought up in casual conversations gave me a gut feeling that 'L' hadn't fully let go yet. He wasn't over it. It's not as though it was amicable split either where they remained friends, so I couldn't even put it down to that and that their friendship was a reason he still spoke of her.

I also felt as though 'L' kind of ushered me home that weekend. Any other time, he was practically begging me to stay in bed longer or stay longer in general, but this weekend? Well, it was like as though he couldn't wait for me to go. At least, that's the impression I got and how he made me feel that day. Maybe it was because he had come to realise himself that he was still hung up on his ex. I don't know.

Nevertheless, we continued to text but there was definitely an element of frostiness in the tone. 'L' was part of a comedy theatre group with his friends and they would often meet up once or twice a week to discuss or arrange their next sketch(es) and that was part of the reason I had to leave his that Sunday. Apparently. Even though they all knew about me and I had spoken to them and he wanted to introduce me. Obviously I understood and wouldn't want to have outstayed my welcome, but I also didn't feel as though he actually wanted me there at that point. It was a weird vibe that day. 

I left 'L' to it that Sunday afternoon and didn't text him, because I wasn't getting a lot back when I tried. A few hours went by and I still hadn't heard anything and not hearing from him like that spoke volumes because 'L' was really big on texting. 

NOTHING COMPARES...

The next day, I still hadn't heard from 'L' which, at that point, was unusual. I left it for as long as possible to see if he would reach out and contact me, but he didn't. 'L' could have been busy, sure, but as far as I knew, it was just another standard Monday for him. Plus, he was online on WhatsApp all day. 

Eventually, I thought I might as well call it quits and say something rather than leave things as they were and possibly never speak again. After a lot of deleting and rewording my message, I sent 'L' a text saying that I didn't think I could continue seeing him because it was obvious that he was not over his ex yet and that was a massive issue for me, as someone who was looking for a relationship. 

Surprise surprise, 'L' immediately read my message and replied saying that I was right and that he was sorry for any confusion, hurt or upset that he had caused me. Then I had the whole "I think you're a lovely girl but...". That reminds me actually, why do we do that? Why do we list all of the things we apparently like about someone right in the middle of rejecting them? Weird, isn't it? Why not be completely transparent and just tell me that I'm not for you or you don't feel a spark? I feel so much better when I say that rather than listing all of the things I supposedly 'like'. 

Anyway, after a couple of texts - none of which were resentful or nasty because there was nothing to be resentful or nasty about. It was just one of those things. Bad timing; I don't know; 'L' said that we could be friends. I cringed a little at that because maybe it's just me, but I could never be friends with someone that I see as more than a friend and have been... intimate with on several occasions. So, I politely declined the friendship and wished him all the best; saying that I would always be here if he needed anything. 

Compared to a lot dating experiences I've had, I'd say that what I experienced with 'L' was trifle in comparison. Perhaps it was bad timing or perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. Either way, it didn't end badly and there were no bad feelings for once. I wasn't left feeling too hurt, just disappointed that it didn't work out at the time. My only wish is that 'L' had told me sooner or admitted himself that he wasn't over his ex, rather than me having to do it and essentially point it out for him.

SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW...

Suffice to say, 'L' and I haven't kept in touch. We did keep each other on social media for a while, but then I got the famous 'unfollow' at some point, for whatever reason. That tends to be how these things go though. You start talking, add each other on every social media platform you have, meet up and start dating (if you're lucky) and then all of a sudden; it comes to an abrupt end. You might be ghosted. You might be aired. Or it might actually just not work out for one reason or another and you both mutually decide to call it off. Then, slowly, you start to retrace all of the steps that you took at the beginning by unfollowing, unfriending and even deleting their number. Tell me I'm wrong, but that seems to be the protocol when dating in the 21st century. Right?

It's weird, but it is what it is.