Don't Talk The Talk...

… if you can’t walk the walk. Here’s a gentle reminder to all guys out there; actions speak louder than words.

And here’s a gentle reminder to all girls out there; you can definitely fall for the same old bullshit when it comes to guys more times than you think. Although I was prepared for this, it still fucking hurt(s).

I’ve written about the time that I well and truly had my heart broken (read about that here). And whilst I wasn’t necessarily prepared for that, I was definitely more aware of it eventually happening than I was this time. Although, I’m not sure whether what I currently feel is heart break, I do know that I am hurting a lot and that my heart aches. But, I’m filled with more anger and disappointment than I am sadness this time around and I’m hurting because I actually give, or should I say, gave a fuck, when the other person didn’t. It sucks when your heart cares and feels too much for the wrong people.

AGAIN… 

Normally, when I write blog posts about guys that I have dated, I go through the whole story. I start with how we met, which is usually online. I tell the story of our first date and sometimes I go on to tell the story about my second, third and maybe fourth date with that guy. All before telling you what happened in the end, (although, by now, you should all know… it doesn’t work out).

So, if you’re reading this post to hear about one of my dates or a dating experience that I’ve had, then this one isn’t really for you. What I mean is, I’m unable to tell the tale of this one from its beginning to its end. I’m sorry. This is one that I’m choosing to keep the details of under wraps. As much as I would like to tell the story as I know it would make a good one, I’m choosing to jump right in and write about the aftermath instead. Why? Well, because I think the aftermath is more real than our ‘story’ ever was and I would rather be real than write about something and someone that was nothing but pretend.

FIRST THINGS FIRST… 

Don’t forget to look before you fall… seriously. If you feel yourself falling for someone; take a step back and assess the situation. Because I wish to God that I had. I wish to God that I had reminded myself of all of my past experiences and the fact that if someone sounds just too good to be true; they most definitely are.

But, things happened unexpectedly this time, and when I wasn’t looking for anything. I mean, on the day I was due to meet this person, I remember calling my mum and telling her how I didn’t really want to go through with it. I didn’t want to put myself out there to another guy and tell him the same old things that I’ve told many before him. I didn’t want to either:

1. Have a good date and not hear from him again (whether that would be to tell me that he wanted to see me again or not); or

2. Have a good date, start dating and then suddenly never hear from him again

See, that’s how dating has made me and continues to make me feel. Scared. I’ll start talking to someone, like the idea of them and meeting them and then boom… I freak out because I think that there is no point. It’ll be a waste of time and I’ve had enough of my time wasted already. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve been messed around, let down and hurt more times than I care to remember or admit. I seem to reap in disappointment when it comes to guys.

So, you’re probably wondering what happened this time? Well, 2. We started dating, it was all going so well and I could not believe my luck, but then, suddenly; he pretty much ghosted me.

OK, before the ghosting, there was an incident. A minor incident that neither of us necessarily caused. Here’s what happened: his so-called friends (who, by the way, knew he was dating me) decided to update his dating profile and add a picture as a ‘joke’. Now, if that picture was a really embarrassing one or a bad one of him; I would have probably understood it and maybe laughed about it too. But it wasn’t. It was a fairly reasonable picture that you would want to include on your dating profile, really. That might beg the question of how I knew this, right? Well, let’s just say that this guy was blowing hot and cold on me more than your average thermostat does. I didn’t know where I stood. At all. And let me tell you, being all about one person when they swing back and fourth about you is shit. I don’t think it’s right to be with someone who leaves you feeling confused, is it? 

I guess it all depended on his mood. Sometimes he would be really affectionate via text and full on with lots of heart emojis, and it was sweet. I’m normally not one for that sort of thing, but I think part of me is like that because I’ve not really had that from someone before. But then, sometimes, I could get absolutely nothing from him and it was like trying to get blood out of a stone. I’m not saying that every single text should be showering me with compliments and full of hearts and kisses but come on, please have some consistency. You cannot be interested and inconsistent. His vibe really was hit and miss, especially if he was tired. Actually, I have a question for guys reading this: does being tired really affect you that much?

ANYWAY, back to the dating profile incident. The reason I found out about this was because I checked the app. I’m a girl and we are not stupid. As soon as we detect something different; we investigate. I sensed that he was losing interested in me (which by the way, he was completely entitled to do, but should have just fucking told me) and I felt as though things were becoming one sided, i.e. I was a lot more interested and invested than he was. Before I did check the app, I asked him several times if things were OK, whether he wanted to talk about anything and even if he wanted space; yes, no and no were the answers I got. He had an opportunity.

Days went by and his lack of interest and effort was bothering me a lot. Sure, he could have been busy and I understand that, but it takes seconds to text and say that. He could have been tired, but again; it takes seconds to send a text. You will always know the exact moment when someone loses interest in you because their entire energy changes and it’s shit. This is how I knew. He went from saying things like:

“Counting down the days until I see you!” 

“I wish you were here” 

“Waking up with you would be better” 

“I’m mad about you! <3” 

… to brushing off any attempt I made of expressing feelings and affection. It made me look and feel so stupid to be saying these things when I wasn’t getting anything back or worse yet, not even an acknowledgement.

That’s why I looked at the dating app. I just knew something wasn’t right and there's only so much patience a person (me) can have in this type of situation. When I start to feel unwanted; I know it's over and time for me to go. 

When I saw that a photo had been added, my heart sank. It was confirmation of what I had suspected. I immediately called him out on it and wanted to know what was going on. I was prepared to take things slow like he wanted, but I was not prepared to continue if he was seeking other girls. I'd put up with the second-guessing and blowing hot and cold for quite some time; this was just the icing on top of the cake.

Here’s the texts and the answer(s) I got: 

To which he said...

Now, I still don’t really know what to believe. That could be the truth and what really happened and deep down, I do want to believe him. Yet, he did nothing to convince otherwise and it’s for this reason that I have doubts  He simply said ‘sorry’ and brushed it under the carpet and tried continued the conversation as normal. Whereas me? I couldn’t do that. If that was the other way around and one of my friends had done that; the first thing I would have done is call him up to explain properly. Especially if he saw and messaged me about it. I would’ve felt awful and I would have done everything to convince him that I wasn’t seeking or seeing anyone else and that he was the only one who had my interest. I would have reassured him a lot more than he did with me.

Who knows though, maybe I’m the bad one in all of this, and him and I have different values and ways when it comes to this kind of thing. I don’t know. I just know that I would have done a hell of a lot more than he did about it. You know, he said he was ‘interested’ in me and ‘us’ and yet, where is the evidence of that? In this moment, it would have meant a lot for him to prove that. But, he didn’t and to me, that spoke volume. I mean, if someone really likes you, they put an effort in to show that; I got nothing. 

I even asked several people their thoughts about this; girls and guys. Every single one of them said that this isn't something your 'mate' would do as a joke and that he had simply been caught out. Everyone I asked could see where I was coming from in that he did nothing to help the situation or convince me otherwise. I even had one person tell me that if they were doing this to their mate, they would have changed his settings to 'interested in men' - because yeah, that would be funny.

OK, so I did get this. But I'm pretty sure that the only reason I got this was because I text him.

His silence carried on for the next few days which made me x10 worse. How could he be so silent and have nothing to say? I don't understand how he could go so quiet with texting after this happened. Quieter than he already had started to go before. He did nothing to make sure I was OK, knowing full well that the whole thing would have upset me. 

See again, the next day - I didn't get a single message from him. I wasn't to know what his plans were and anyone would text and say something like, you know, "hey, sorry, I won't be able to message you today..." or is that just me? Again, I've had this conversation with a few friends and they've all said the same thing: it takes seconds to send a text. 

It's weird because the day before this whole Tinder thing happened, we were talking about plans for the weekend and he was being all <3 <3 with his messages, saying that I'm a 10/10 and suggesting future plans... 

But, I was left on read again that evening and all day the next day. I was driving myself mad because I just didn't understand any of it. I still don't. Like I said, we were due to see each other and spend the weekend with each other. Obviously, that didn't happen. And, instead of spending Valentine's Day together, I was left on read. 

That's another thing that upset and hurt me. He used to get so excited about seeing me and wanting to see me and then, around 2 weeks before this whole thing happened - he changed. It was like I was an inconvenience and maybe I was, but why didn't he just tell me. He went from taking a 5hr train down to see me to not even being able to take one for 1hr to see me one weekend. Better still, he didn't even explain it; knowing that I would have been expecting to see him that weekend as that's how things were, he didn't even make an effort to show that the thought of seeing me had crossed his mind. Equally, I would have been fine with doing my fair of the travelling and going up to visit him instead, but that wasn't mentioned either. He knew that I'd be prepared to as I'd told him endless times that I have no problem making that effort. There's a saying isn't there, "if they wanted to, they would" - he didn't want to see me and so he didn't. That said, after that weekend when I (shock) mentioned the fact that we didn't see each other, that's when he finally said something. I think I remember him saying something  along the lines of, 

"I can't go another week without seeing you."

As I was saying, we had plans for the weekend that all of this happened during too, but he didn't mention a single word to me about it all that week. He went totally silent and MIA. 

ISN'T IT IRONIC… 

The guy who wanted to take things slow sent me this a week or so after we had first met:

Yet, he wanted to take it slow. I didn’t realise that sending a text like that was taking things slow… because, come on, that’s intense. 

I just don’t understand how he could say all of that but then leave me on read and not reply. Not convince me or fight for it. Not prove me and my doubts wrong. I wasn’t asking for much; just some fucking effort because I exhausted myself for him. Like I always do whenever I really like someone. I mean, he says himself in that text that he wanted to make me forget about all the guys I've dated before who I've written about on this blog... and yet, he's now made it on here himself. He talks about wanting to treat me with respect and adoration; yet, he didn't respect me enough to say a single word when it mattered the most.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder whether he felt that things were going too fast and he was getting in too deep, because I know I was. I don’t know. Either way, what was so hard about communicating? Honestly, there is nothing more attractive than a guy who can be vocal about his thoughts and feelings. Why couldn’t he have just said something. Even if it was a message saying how he’d thought about it and realised that he’s not all that interested in me or he’s not ready for a relationship; anything is better than nothing.

BEFORE VS AFTER… 

I keep thinking back to the first time we met and how things were. I thought I knew him. The more time we spent together (and by the way, considering there was quite some distance between us; we spent a lot of time together…), the more I thought he was genuine and things were heading in the right direction. I was falling head over heels for someone who appeared as though they would be there to catch me.

I remember the time when we looking at apartments and flights to Paris for Valentine’s Day. He talked about me going down to his actual home where his parents lived. Hell, he invited me to a fucking wedding in France in the summer! He was suggesting these plans, not me. He stayed at my place for almost an entire week. We woke up together, trained together at the gym, made dinner together and then washed up together. His parents knew about me and mine about him. His boss knew about me. Yet whilst he is the one who walked away without so much as an explanation; I’m the one who’s left lying wide awake at night wondering what the fuck happened. Wondering where it went wrong. What is it that I did or didn’t do, what is it that I said or didn’t say that made this happen? It doesn’t make any sense. But this is the hardest pill of all to swallow: people can decide that they want nothing to do with you at any time. People don't owe you shit. As much as it pains me that I didn't get any answers or form of closure, that's just the way it is.

Isn’t it funny how you can go from being mad about someone to feeling absolutely nothing for them in a matter of days. It’s also funny how people are so quick to tell you the good things that they think you will want to hear but can’t find the words to tell you the bad things that you should hear.

Like I said, I thought I knew him. He was so sweet and attentive. He would cook me food from scratch, he would always make sure I had a drink and always held my hand in public and pulled me in tight if we were about to cross a road. If we gymmed together, he would go traipsing to the other end of the gym to get me certain equipments. So, excuse me if I mistook all these little things for him liking me. It was things like this that slowly but surely, kind of, almost definitely, had me falling in love.

But, clearly though, I was wrong. I don't know him and that’s what hurts. The guy I thought I knew wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t be OK with how things ended and how I’m currently left feeling.

He knew a fair bit about my past dating experiences and told me that he would never do anything like that and like a fucking idiot; I believed him. I remember a time where I made a joke about him signing a contract, under which he wouldn’t ghost me or leave me. It’s fair to say that he would have well and truly breached that contract.

He took me for what feels like an absolute ride and I was there for the whole journey. I will have these bittersweet memories to haunt me forever because he touched my heart in a way that not many people have managed to do. And, as a girl who is used to this sort of thing happening, it doesn't make it any less painful. 

But, at the end of the day; he's not half the man that I thought he was and perhaps that's the saddest part of it all. The fact that he ended up being exactly like everyone else. 

NOW...?

Well, now I'm just waiting for an unfollow. And when that happens, we'll go back to being strangers and it will be like our paths never crossed. Just like how it should have stayed.