J is for...

J o k e. Now, I’m up for a laugh as much as the next person is. But, when you’re made to feel like the butt of that joke… not only is it not funny; it actually hurts.

You’d think that as a grown up woman of 23, I would have learnt my lesson by now when it comes to guys. Yet, I’m still capable of falling for the wrong type of guy and ignoring every single red flag that greets me on my way. And that’s exactly what happened with ‘J', and it's more fool me, really.

It’s guys like ‘J’ that I’ve spent years of my life being played, chewed up and then spat out by. Guys who flirt with you, send mixed messages and lie to you. Guys who will promise you the world and make you happy for a split second just in order to get laid. Guys who lead you on so that you fall for them and then disappear when you do; like as though that wasn’t supposed to happen and you weren’t meant to catch feelings. I know this pattern of behaviour and after years of learning what signs to look out for and stay clear of; I thought I was doing well. But then, ‘J’ happened… and, for some stupid reason, I fell hook line and sinker for every word he said to me. Every single warning sign was there, but the thing is with me; I like to see the good in people.

HUMAN RIGHTS

The funny thing about this story is that ‘J’ and I were actually in university together. We did the same undergrad degree and when we got to final year, we chose the one of the same modules; meaning we were in lectures together. It was a very small class for lectures and I tend to notice people and that’s what I did with ‘J’. I mean, he was gorgeous so obviously I noticed him. But, we never spoke. Ever. Like me, he turned up to (I think) every 9am lecture we had. There were times where we sat behind each other or in front of each other in some lectures and yet; we didn’t talk. Hell, we were even in the same seminar class but again, we didn’t talk. We spent almost a year in the same class, just meters apart but we didn’t once speak and as far as I knew, he didn’t know I existed and vice versa.

For me, it was one of those things… I was always early for lectures and I’d always look out for him or wait for him to walk in; which, I know, probably makes me sound super lame and like a stalker, but, you know. He was dreamy. He was 6ft something with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He wore the most casual of clothes but still somehow looked good. Like, really good. Sometimes baggy jeans and other times, skinny jeans. Checked shirts. Hoodies. I noticed that he never used a laptop and always hand-wrote his notes. As we didn’t exchange one word to each other all year, that’s all I knew of him. I didn’t even manage to find out what his name was. He was just a good-looking guy in my lectures that I day dreamed about every Monday and Tuesday morning and wished I knew.

Eventually, the module finished, we had our assessments and graduated university; going our separate ways. So… that was it and I didn’t ever think of him again.

BUMBLE…

3 months after graduation; we matched on Bumble. I didn’t actually realise it was him at first. He may have had his degree written out in his bio, but I didn’t fully recognise him in his pictures.

We started talking and he asked me about university and said I looked familiar and that’s when it hit me and I realised. I asked if he took a certain module and he said yes and… Oh. My. God. I couldn’t believe it. This guy that I used to look at in lectures and I’ll admit, fancied the absolute pants off had just matched with me on Bumble. What were the odds?! We realised who each other were and then spoke about the module we were in together and what we had studied. ‘J’ said that he used to look at me in lectures too and felt the same as me in that he wished we spoke. But it didn’t matter now, because here we were.

Unlike me, ‘J’ decided not to continue with law (wise decision, if only I had, but that's another story…) and so he no longer lived in the city. It turned out that the only reason ‘J’ was in the city was because he had spent Halloween with friends here. Typical. It was just my luck that he had to live a fair few hours away and not only that, he was due to get the train home that evening too.

Still, we spoke via Snapchat and it was going well and he seemed incredibly sweet, which made me wish I knew him in university even more. ‘J’ said that he wanted to meet me and have a date and that he was prepared to get the train back down the following weekend. Well, actually, ‘J’ wasn’t sure about whether or not he had a night out planned here that following weekend anyway, but either way, he would still make time to see me. This was fine by me and I could wait a week; I am patient sometimes.

I was enjoying talking to him and it was just mad to think that we had already, in a way, ‘met’ through being in class together. As the afternoon approached and ‘J’ was due to head home, he offered to come over and say ‘hi’ before leaving as he was really keen and wanting to meet me. I knew he was hungover from all of his Halloween antics, so I didn’t expect him to, but as he was willing and after some convincing (ok, not a lot…), I said yes. The plan was for him to freshen up before coming to mine and then catching the train home. It only gave us an hour or so, but that was fine - the guy didn’t even have to come at all, so, I was grateful for that. Because, maybe it’s just me, but if I was hanging out of my arse aka hungover; the last thing I would want to do is go and meet somebody for the first time. I’m shaking my head as I write this now, because it’s painstakingly obvious what the intention behind ‘J’ coming to say ‘hi’ was. But at the time? It genuinely didn’t even cross my mind and I don’t know why.

I didn’t even have an hour to prepare as I was out and about that day and didn’t get in until late myself. As we didn’t particularly have a plan of what we were going to do, and it wasn’t going to be a proper ‘date’, there wasn’t much point in me getting all glammed up. Plus, it was a weekend where I wasn’t expecting to be seeing anyone, let alone ‘J’. Since ‘J’ wasn’t exactly going to look his best either, I asked if he minded the fact that I would be in comfy clothes like pyjamas. Now, thinking about it, I really should have made a bit more effort since I fancied this guy, but at the same time and looking back on it now, I’m fucking glad I didn’t because he wouldn’t have deserved that effort.

I’ve always said that I don’t get nervous for dates or when I meet people, because I don’t. But, when ‘J’ messaged to say he was around 5 minutes away; boy, did I get nervous. Nervous to the point that I actually worked up such a sweat because I could not believe who I was about to meet and have a cup of tea with. I don’t know what came over me, but there I was, flapping around my flat like a nervous wreck trying to cool myself down; knowing I had minutes before he would be outside. I’m not joking when I say that I was literally fanning myself with paper to cool down.

Soon enough, I got that message to say he was outside and I could see my hands shaking in the lift as I was heading down to let him in. Jesus Christ, I needed to get a grip. This was not like me.

I opened the door and wow… there was ‘J’. There was the guy I pretty much stared at in lectures for almost a year stood right in front of me and going in for a hug. I know it sounds absolutely fucking ridiculous, but it really was one of those pinch me moments. For me, anyway. I knew he was tall but I didn’t quite realise how tall. Because, some guys say they’re 6ft and then you meet them and it’s clear they got the ft mixed up with inches; in that, no way are they 6ft. ’J’ was not one of those guys though, he really was 6ft of pure hotness. We hugged and walked through my building to the lift and this was the first time I’d ever heard him talk, which made me noticed that he had the most amazing teeth. Like, his smile was dazzling. Again, weird fact about me - I really like a guy with good teeth. But anyway, for a guy who had done nothing but drink alcohol for almost 3 days straight and had very little sleep in that time… he still looked 10/10 in his skinny jeans, white top and backpack on his shoulder.

‘J’ came into my flat and we had a proper hug and I swear my heart could have jumped out of my chest. I was still overheating and needed to calm down. I offered him a seat and then a cup of tea. It wasn’t awkward, we were talking away fine and he made himself at home. We chatted about every day stuff and university. In an attempt to compose myself, I sat down next to him with my legs crossed, but I struggled to look at him, never mind get my words out. I really was stumbling over my own sentences and it was embarrassing to witness. We continued to talk and talk and that’s just how it was. ’J’ seemed super sweet as a person and he was funny and we were both surprised at the whole situation. We put some background music on and ‘J’ introduced me to one of his favourite bands. It was incredibly chill and eventually, I got over my nerves. Well, until ‘J’ and I were having a laugh and he put his hand on my leg. God, did I flinch.

The hour was going by so quickly and we both realised that. As time ticked, ‘J’ mentioned the fact that he would have to go pretty soon; wishing that he didn’t. There was around 20 minutes left before ‘J’ would realistically have to be at the train station in order to get his train. We both sort of looked at each other, knowing that neither one of us wanted each other’s company to end, and that’s when ‘J’ started to look at later trains but, there wasn’t any. So, he had two options:

1. Stay with me, go home the following day and buy a new train ticket; or

2. Head to the train station and potentially come back the weekend after, providing we were still talking, etc.

‘J’ chose to stay with me. I felt bad about this because it meant that he would have to buy another train ticket the next day and trains are awkward as hell to be travelling by on Sundays. ‘J’ didn’t seem to mind though and reassured me that he really wanted to stay longer and I mean, I certainly wasn’t going to kick him out or complain.

Once it was fully decided that he was staying, which took all of 5 minutes for him to think about; he got himself all cosy in my bed as it was getting dark out. Again, as I’m writing this out now, I realise how incredibly naive I was… letting him get in my bed like that and I know that I should have known better. But, the thought of him fucking me over like he did really didn’t cross my mind. I don’t know how or why I became so wet behind the ears from the get-go with ‘J’, but I really did. Perhaps it was because it was something that I had always dreamed about in lectures but didn’t think would ever happen and it was actually happening. Whatever the reason, I was too dewy-eyed to think twice about it, so, I got in bed with him and we cuddled. After a bit, we were sat up-right and side by side. Mid sentence, I turned to look at ‘J’ and he put the palm of his hand out onto my face, pulling me in towards him and kissed me. As if the whole situation wasn’t a shock to my system anyway, the kiss? Well, I had no words. 

Every fuck-boy intention was so clearly there but I was totally blindsided and that’s the harsh reality of hindsight, isn’t it? I let the fact that he was so ‘good looking’ cloud my judgement when it came to the way he treated me and how easily he played me. It doesn’t matter how pretty someone is when their personality and actions are ugly.

After a few more hours of talking and playing music, we both realised that we’d skipped tea/dinner and were hungry. We decided on noodles and headed out to get them. We brought them back to mine to eat and we sat there with our legs crossed eating them out of the box. It was the purest thing. Also, I have a weird thing about eating on a first date. Like, I will never, ever go for a meal on a first date - period. I just find it too much pressure and I worry that I would miss my mouth or get something stuck in my teeth. But anyway, here I was, sat eating fucking noodles in my pyjamas with ‘J’ like as if I’d known him throughout uni. It was crazy.

After the food, we reverted back to what we were doing before - talking and listening to music. We had very similar taste in music, and to give us something to do, ‘J’ decided to give me a music ‘quiz’ to see how good I was and to see if I really knew music. He’d play a song and I would have to guess the artist or band as well as the name of the song. It was good fun. We sang along to the songs together and I’ll never forget the look on his face when he played Unfaithful by Rihanna and I guessed it within the first few piano notes being played,

“what the fuck… how did you get that so quick! No one ever gets it that quick!”

There was another point where ‘J’ played a really old song that I knew and again, it surprised and impressed him. It may sound like such a cheesy thing to be sat doing on a Saturday night, but it was fun and it was cute. ‘J’ did apologise at one point for not being in a state to drink more alcohol or do something more ‘fun’, but I was more than happy just to sit there and talk to him to be honest.

THE NEXT DAY…

I don’t remember too much about that Sunday as he left pretty sharpish after we woke up to get the train. I think his train was around 10.45am and he just about made it in time.

I know he showered at mine and we both got ready and dressed together as I said I would walk him to the train station. On the walk there we both said how mad the last 24hrs had been and ‘J’ said that he never in a million years thought he would have ended up staying another night in Liverpool, especially not with me. Yet, that’s what happened. Because we were late leaving my flat, ‘J’ had around 7 minutes to get to the train station and print his tickets before the train would leave. Realistically, if we were to carry on walking, the train would have left. So, ‘J’ said he’d make a run for it and that I didn’t have to. We gave each other a big hug and a deep kiss and I watched ‘J’ run towards the train station.

10 minutes or so later, I had a message from ‘J’ saying that he had made it and he was on his way home.

MR SUPER NONCHALANT…

From the Sunday that ‘J’ left mine until the following weekend when I saw him next; we did nothing but text each other. ‘J’ used to say such sweet things to me and was always complimenting me and telling me how ‘fit’ I am or how this, that, and the other I am. He was also suggesting future plans and dates with me, which made me think that he was serious. It didn't occur to me that they were false promises and this is why, at the time, apart of me actually thought he was genuine in what he was saying. But, I guess I was just one of a number of girls he was saying the same thing to and making the same promises to. This is just another example of why I struggle to trust any guy who enters my life. Like many before him, ‘J’ fucked me over real good. Despite promising that he would be different; he ended up doing the same shit that everyone before has. Despite promising that he wouldn't hurt me; he did.

I just wish to God that we had actually used WhatsApp or iMessage to text so that I could show the kind of stuff he would say to me. But no, the only form of communication was via Snapchat. I realise now that any guy, actually no, boy who chooses to only communicate by Snapchat is not the right type and should not be trusted. 

Later that week, 'J' randomly video-called me out of the blue because he wanted to 'see my face'. Again, see, it was little things like this that made me believe.

During another video-call, ‘J’ booked his train ticket for the weekend. He did have a night out planned with friends, so he asked if it was OK for him to go out instead of us having our ‘date’. Now, it was a bit of a shit situation either way. I had only met the guy once, so I couldn’t exactly stop him from going on a night out with his friends that was partly arranged before we knew each other, as much as I would’ve liked to. I said that he should go on the night out and ‘J’ said that he would see me before it and then again the next day before going home. To me, he was making some sort of effort to see me, which was better than nothing. I know that deep down maybe I should have given him the choice - the night out or a date with me. I think I can be too much of a soft touch sometimes when I like someone. Because, what woman would be OK with that, really? Especially if he was as interested in me as he was claiming to be.

THE WEEKEND…

During the few days leading up to the weekend, I felt that the dynamic in the conversation had changed a little with ‘J’, but I didn't know if it was just me over-thinking it. Because, given my track record, whenever I detect the slightest change in someone’s tone via text; I panic. I panic because I sense the interest in me being lost, again. I feel that connection slipping and suddenly my vibe or energy is not reciprocated and it's fucking shit. If I'm honest, my anxiety rockets whenever I’m talking to or seeing a guy because I am so used to things not working out. I am used to people losing interest in me and situations like this are where the biggest flaw in dating me stems from. As pathetic as I know it sounds, I need a lot of reassurance, because every past experience and this one with ‘J’ included will convince me that you don’t actually want or like me and that you will ditch me like everyone else has. When you've been hurt as many times as I have; you become scared to get attached to anyone ever again. You have this lingering fear that everyone you end up liking is going to leave and/or break your heart. You wait for the day that you get that long text calling things off, or no text at all, which pretty much has the same effect anyway. At least, that's what I find myself doing with my time.  

'Dating' in the 21st century scares me because loyalty is rare and guys (or, guys I date) prefer a good time over a good thing. But, anyway, back to ‘J’…

‘J’ got the train up and arrived here mid-afternoon. I met him at the station and we gave each other a hug before heading back to mine. We were just going to have food together and chill before he left to go out with his friends that evening. 

I don’t know what it was, but the vibe was definitely different between us this time. Maybe it was because I was starting to realise what this was… a ‘fling’, a bit of fun and nothing more. But, I didn’t want that thought and realisation to be true. I pleaded for it not to be true and for ‘J’ to be different to other guys. I wanted him to be different and prove me wrong for once. 

I spent a few good hours with ‘J’ before he left to go to his friends and go out. Obviously, I appreciated the time I had with him, but I would have liked it to have been longer and for us to have gone on an actual date. But, as a 21 year old; boys will be boys. 

We text a little that night and as I had the feeling that we weren’t on the same page, I knew I had to speak to him the next day when I saw him. I wasn’t going to sit back and wonder where I stood with him and where his head was at (even though that was obvious anyway). When I like someone, I tell them ASAP so that I know whether I’m wasting my time or not. I don’t date people for fun or for short-term. If I date you, I'm dating you for a reason. If I date you, it’s because I see potential for a future. Although, in this case, there was clearly never going to be a future and I think him being 21 should have told me that.

THE NEXT DAY…

’J’ said that he would be at mine before 12pm and to be fair to him, he was. He walked the whole way to mine with a raging hangover. Although I felt for him, it was self-inflicted and so it served him right. 

‘J’ arrived at mine and we ended up having a duvet and Netflix day and at one point he even nodded off. Great company I must have been. I asked about his night and he said that it was good (lucky him, if only mine had been) and, if I thought the vibe was different between us the night before, it sure as hell was now. It could have been down to the fact that he was feeling fragile and hungover but that’s not an excuse. Plus, he knew he was seeing me and that there was a high chance he would be hungover. 

In between watching shit comedies on Netflix, I told ‘J’ what I was thinking and that I was starting to like him. I put my feelings out there and neck on the line this early on so that he knew where he stood and do you know what he said to me?

“You’re cute!”

... that’s it. Two words. And all hearing those two words did was make me feel even more stupid and gullible than I already was feeling. It was almost patronising. I had just told him how I felt, which, by the way, is never an easy thing to do no matter which way you’re feeling and that was the response I got? I would have much preferred him to tell me straight that it was a casual thing and that he wasn’t interested in taking it further. The two words just gave me an even harder kick in the gut because they simply confirmed what I had started to realise anyway and should have known from the beginning. And the funny thing is, I immediately thought back to earlier that week when he did nothing but talk about future plans with me and how much he liked me, but now? He was silent on the topic.

I’m not even going to jump to his defence and say that, perhaps, he wasn’t expecting it and didn’t know what to say back, and therefore that’s why he couldn’t express how he was feeling. No, I’m not going to do that. I know it’s also hard for guys to open up and say how they feel, but no way was that the issue here. The issue here was that I had expressed my feelings to ‘J’ in person when there was no opportunity for him to ‘ghost’ me like he would’ve clearly done that evening after getting home. Which, by the way, spoiler alert: he did anyway. I didn't bullshit with his feelings and I think that maybe scared him. It was as though I'd cut his game short because I caught some feelings quicker than he expected me to.

CAT THAT GOT THE CREAM…

‘J’ was heading back home in the early evening and I offered to walk with him to the train station. I offered out of politeness, but more in hope that he would have the balls and decency to say something. He got ready and asked if we could stop at the noodle place on our way to the station so he could have food on the train. I felt sick.

On that walk to the station, even our conversation was different. I knew what had happened and I just wanted to know and hear it from him instead of engaging in pitiful small talk. We got to the noodle bar and ‘J’ ordered his food and was on his phone doing whatever. Now, I didn’t mean to pry, but I just happened to catch a glimpse of his screen and he was Snapchatting a girl and I swear I saw a fair few conversations with several girls on his ‘chat’ bit. I mean, ok he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and speak to whoever he wanted; we were not by any means exclusive and had only met twice; both of which were fleeting meets. But come on, have a little respect and decency when you’re with a girl you’re apparently ‘into’. Because, I know when I’m in the ‘talking stage’ or I’m actually seeing someone; I’m already loyal. If I like you, no one else will get my attention. But, hey; that makes me stupid I guess.

I tried to contain myself for the rest of the way to the train station and I somehow managed to. I won’t lie though, I had a lump in my throat and I was upset. Upset with myself more than anything for believing him like I did. Upset that I must have made myself look so easy. Upset that ‘J’ was like every other guy I had met and still meet. But, sometimes, I guess it’s the sweet, innocent, pretty boys that you have to be wary of.

After arriving at the train station, which was almost as empty as I felt; ‘J’’s train was already at the platform. Instead of taking the time to give me a proper goodbye, he gave me a half-hearted kiss or more like, peck and simply said to me,

“I’ll see you… in the future”

… before turning his back on me and heading towards the train doors. I couldn’t believe it. Wow. It really was like that for him.

I watched him walk away and I had no words. I was so staggered. I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting him to say or do really, but, it certainly wasn’t that. That was it. It was what it was and there was no chance that he would bother to text me afterwards because there no reason for him to. He got what he wanted and I let him.

It had gone dark outside as I started walk back to my place. I walked through the busy city centre and rush hour traffic and I felt so used and alone. I replayed every detail of our conversations in my head; from when we first matched on Bumble to after we met that first time and he went home for the week. Why didn’t I see this coming? It was so obvious and I couldn’t have been any more stupid.

When I got back to my place, I actually cried. I didn’t and I don’t understand how guys can do it and why ‘J’ did this. It’s not just what ‘J’ actually did and how he made me feel that hurt me; it’s the fact that this makes it even harder for me with any guy in the future.

But, the thing is… as played as I felt at the time, I can’t say I feel that way now. Because, really, what did I lose? A boy that didn’t appreciate what he could have had and what I would’ve done for him? A boy who couldn’t respect me enough to be fucking honest about what he wanted (sex)? A boy who couldn’t admit that that’s what he was; a boy. When I think about it now, ‘J’ only played himself.

Oh, and I presume ‘J’ got back safely. Actually, I know he did, because he still watches my Instagram and Snapchat stories. We're back to being what we were in university and what we should have always remained; strangers.

NOW…

As it’s a new year and a new decade, I’m trying not to bring my old habits and insecurities when it comes to guys into it with me. But, I’m damaged and there is no other word I can use to describe myself. I have no fucking idea how to respond when someone tries to treat me right and give me what I deserve. I immediately think of the worst and even start preparing for it. I just can’t help but be negative. Instead of enjoying what is happening and what's in front of me, I look for issues and create doubts that don't need to be created.

Like yes, ok, you want to see me, but I bet you won’t again. I’m beautiful? Give it a day, maybe two, you’ll think different and find a girl who is more ‘beautiful’. You will soon get bored of me and the novelty of me will wear off. It always does. I try my hardest not to get attached to people because I never know if they're temporary or not. No matter how good things start going for me or how faithful that person is at the time, whenever I get attached; everything seems to go wrong. Talking to somebody every day scares the shit out of me because it can stop at any given time. No one owes you anything and people can decide that they want nothing to do with you. Literally. That's just how it is... and this is why I lock away my emotions as much as I do. Because, as soon as I start to set them free, no one is ever there to catch me.

In a way, I’m glad that this happened with 'J', and I’m glad that I made yet another terrible mistake when it comes to guys. I don’t regret it because it was short-lived, so not much of my time was wasted. It has reminded me of what it is that I want and not to take everyone at face value. But, perhaps the biggest reminder it's given is...

This:

No matter how many times I go through this kind of situation and no matter how many times I end up getting hurt; it will not stop me from wanting to love someone else like I've never been hurt before. And I'm not sure whether that's the saddest or maddest thing about me.

PSA...

Now, there are only so many knocks that a person (me) can take. I might look and sound as though I'm confident and sure of myself, but the truth is; I'm absolutely not. Like a friend said to me a few days ago, my self esteem is lower than a worms tit and that's the reality that you should know about before you get involved with me or worse yet, start ""dating"" me. I'm a lot to handle. So please, don't try to touch my heart unless you're ready for that.

I was going to end this post here, but, shock, I have more things that I want to get off my chest, so here goes:

TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE “”DATED”” BEFORE…

Mistakes, struggles and regrets like you and 'J' have only done one thing. You might think that you won and got what you wanted, but I think I'm the real winner. I'm the winner because all you did was make room for someone else to come into my life and shine a light on what it is that I truly deserve. Which is: someone who makes you feel like you're more than just an option. More than a number in call log or another text on a phone screen. Someone who won’t settle for only seeing or speaking to you when they’re bored, but someone who initiates plans as much as you will. Someone who sees more than just a body or a face, or in my case (apparently), an arse. Someone who is understanding and patient and not afraid to admit how they’re feeling. Someone that you can sit in Starbucks with and not think about anything else in the world other than that moment you’re in. Someone you can lie in complete silence with and have it feel right. Someone who you kiss at midnight and want to do it over and over again. Someone who knows of your past experiences and wants to do everything to make you forget them. Someone who makes you unapologetically happy. Someone who is many miles away but makes you happier than someone who is right beside you. Someone who you're scared as hell to want but are wanting anyway. Someone who flows into your life effortlessly. So effortlessly that you don’t have to stress, worry or chase them because they want to be apart of your life. Someone who thinks the world of you rather than of themselves. Someone who holds you close to their heart rather than running over it. Someone who makes you feel like it's ok to be you. But above all, someone that you meet when you're not actually looking for anything and just know.