Let's Get PhySical

“And we didn’t even have sex!” … was the comment that well and truly proved me right and ended our first cycle of dating. I was glad though, because I knew something was off. I just wish I had gone with my gut instinct in the first place, instead of going along with it ‘just incase’ it would turn out differently.

And, had I gone with my gut in the first place, our paths may not have crossed again and we might not have ended up briefly dating a second time. However me being me, I went ahead and gave him a second chance. I thought of the old, “that was then, maybe he’s different now…”. But as the saying goes; a leopard never changes its spots. And let me tell you, ’S’ had not changed; but, I had. So, when he fucked me over and ghosted me again earlier this year; I was not the slightest bit bothered or surprised. Instead of running after him like a little lost puppy or feeling rejected, I simply let it be this time.

MATCHING FOR THE FIRST TIME...

’S’ and I met through Tinder, not once but twice. It started off pretty well the first time and there was potential; so I thought…

Sea blue eyes. A million dollar smile. Had a degree. Finished a masters. Started a PhD. A strength and conditioning coach AKA fit. Competitive swimmer. Older. Lived very near. My first thought? Why the hell are y o u on Tinder? What’s the catch? Right was the only to swipe.’S’ seemed like the total package. We matched and when we started talking, I noticed that not only was he capable of an actual conversation, he used full sentences as opposed to one word answers. The conversation was going somewhere because it was engaging unlike most I have via Tinder. I was kept interested by what he had to say and the fact that he actually had so much to say was refreshing in itself really. Because, sometimes… trying to get a conversation out of someone on Tinder is like trying to get blood out of a stone; you might as well not bother.

THE DATE...

Our first date was at Ghetto Golf. To be honest, although I was enthusiastic about the date at first, by the time it came around; I wasn’t particularly looking forward to it. Why? Well, I’m reaching a point where I’m sick to death of meeting people and things not working out. I’m tired of getting to know people so well. Getting to know their routines. Their interests. You know? It’s draining. So when this date came about, I didn't want to go and that’s nothing against him. I had no idea what he was really like as a person until that night. I just wasn’t very keen; even though it involved gin. I mean, even as I was leaving my flat to meet him, I couldn’t help but think, “here we go, again”. But still, I kept my word and I went.

It was raining and he was waiting for me with an umbrella. I immediately picked up on a slight Scouse twang in his voice when he started talking; subtle but nice. We got to the golf and ordered drinks and in that moment, as terrible as it sounds, I just couldn’t be arsed. I didn’t want to be there and I had already decided that there would be no second date. Yes, within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone, I know whether or not I want a second date. 'S' was everything that I expected him to be, I just wasn't feeling it.

Once we’d got round a few holes, ’S’ asked me that question: what I’m on Tinder ‘for’ and I guess what I was looking for in terms of dating. I said I didn’t know what I was looking for, because that’s sort of true, really. I mean, sure, I know what I want, but part of me feels as though I want too much, so I didn’t bother saying it. Every other date I’d had around this time (and even now) just want(ed) some sort of no-strings-attached friends with benefits, or they simply weren’t ready for another relationship, (i.e. they were recently single and/or emotionally unstable). So, I felt like if I was to say that I was looking for a relationship that it would immediately put him off since that’s what tends to happen. 

When asking ’S’ the same question, he said he was looking for the same thing; a relationship. I had to ask then, “why is someone like you using Tinder?”. Knowing what I knew, it was hard to understand why he was single. He seemed like such a good and charming guy. Plus, I’m used to meeting people who are afraid of the word ‘relationship’ and run as soon as possible when they hear it. Genuinely. I meet the type of people who can’t even commit to a haircut, never mind a relationship. Everything is ‘casual’ these days and I fucking hate that. But maybe that’s how dating works in 2019 and if that's the case, perhaps I’m romantically wired wrong because I don’t want a half-love, half-arsed, non-commitment thing. I don’t want to waste any more of my time on somebody who isn’t all in. 

Half way through the course; my first impressions of him changed. I actually was liking him and I was enjoying his company. I don’t normally change my mind like that, I either like you or I don’t. But, here I was… and this wasn’t even alcohol induced either. 

After finishing the game, ’S’ asked if I wanted to stay and have some more drinks. We went over to the seating area and as I sat down, 'S' said he’d sit next to me this time as it would be ‘better’. I was totally okay with that. Whatever I initially thought when I met him was nothing but a distant memory. I was liking him. He had drive and passion. He was an incredibly hard worker and very well organised. He seemed to know what he wanted out of life and career wise, and we had so many similar interests from the gym to food choices to music. Unlike a lot of guys, he appeared to be genuine. At least, that’s what I originally thought. 

As we were sat next to each other talking, ’S’ kept hinting at a second date. Now, my mindset had changed, but I still wasn’t 100% on this guy. 

’S’ kept saying things like:

“hypothetically speaking, what if I invite you over one night this week and cook for you?” 

And, as nice as that offer was, I looked at my watch before saying to him;

“it’s a bit early to commit to a second date” 

... half jokingly, half seriously.

I think I’ve said in a previous post, it’s quite rare for me to go on a second date with someone. If I don’t like you from the get-go (’S’ being an exception) and I don’t feel some sort of spark; I won’t be going on a second date.

As it was gone 12am and the place was about to close, we decided to call it a night. ’S’ politely walked me home and now, I don’t remember how it happened or what was said, but once we arrived outside of my building; ’S’ ended up coming up to my flat… and I think that was probably the biggest mistake I made. But, it’s awkward when someone walks you home or drops you off and you don’t invite them in, right?

'S' came in and we sat on the bed and continued talking. Then a second date was mentioned again and I thought fuck it and agreed. I did have a good time, so why not. It was getting later, outside was silent and the only light in my room was coming from my lamp. There was an atmosphere. A mood. But there was still a huge space between us. Yet, it didn't stop 'S' from suddenly kissing me.

It wasn’t just one kiss though; it was several, with us getting closer for each one and ended with me being on his lap. It was all very… unexpected. Then, the tension amplified as hands were wandering, kisses were getting harder and buttons were starting to come undone and that's when I had to back away. I knew this pattern of behaviour and I was not going to continue to go through it. ’S’ seemed nice, but if he was after something as genuine as he stated earlier that night… he wouldn’t have been so bold as to make a move like that on the first date, if you ask me. 

That moment allowed me to learn something crucial about ’S’ though. I noticed that he went from being gentle and refined when we were on our date to animalistic in a matter of seconds when our lips touched. Literally 0-100mph. Obviously, I was flattered by it and his intensity, but, I don’t know… it was odd because I didn’t pick up on any of that while we were on our date. There was no touching or anything and yet this was happening.

As much as I wanted to see the body I could feel under his shirt; I stopped myself. I mean sure, if it feels right; go for it… but, I had a feeling in my gut and I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t going through with things just because I was ‘in the heat of the moment’ and had been drinking. Plus, although we’d been talking for a good week or so, how was I to know that he wouldn't just cut me off after we slept together? Because that's the current trend.

Realising the time; we called it a night properly and ’S’ left saying that he wanted to see me again soon. 

THE NEXT FEW DAYS/WEEKS... 

We continued texting all day the next day and he was very set on seeing me again that night. It was nice to know but, I couldn’t help but be a little cautious towards this ‘keenness’. All day he was dropping hints about coming over to mine and all day I rejected it. However, living on my own in the city can get lonely at times and as the evening approached… I thought more about how close he lived… and that was my second mistake as I started to come round to the idea of having him over. Oh god. It was his blue eyes though, I’m telling you.

’S’ was coaching that evening and came over afterwards. When I opened the door, 'S’ walked in and immediately kissed me. It was like a I’m-back-from-work kind of kiss; like as if we were in a relationship or something. It seemed to be a natural thing for him to do even though we had only met the night before. ’S’ ended up staying over despite having to get up at 5.30am. When his alarm went off; ’S’ groaned and mumbled about how he wished he could just stay in bed, but after a quick cuddle, he got up to get ready. Then, when ’S’ was about to leave, he came to my side of the bed, kissed me on the forehead and nose and then tucked me back in bed, saying “you get back to sleep, I’ll message you later.” 

Later that day and as I was just starting my day, 'S' asked me what I was doing that afternoon, knowing that I would be revising. I then received a message along the lines of: 

“I could come over and you could have a revision break? ;)” … followed by a certain Snapchat from him.

Hold it right there, what is this? Come on, basically what he was saying was ‘let me come over and we’ll fuck’. Obviously, I would be lying if I said I didn’t like what I saw; because I did. He had a great body. But equally, I wasn’t quite expecting to see it all so soon (not that I was really complaining). I just didn't know what to think or how to react. This didn't seem like the kind, genuine (or so I thought), only-has-good-intentions ’S’ that I met roughly 48hrs before. The one who reassured me that he wasn’t that type of guy. The guy who fucking tucked me in bed just that morning for Gods sake. This didn’t sound like him. This was a bit… sleazy and not in a good way. 

I pulled him up about that text and he got all defensive saying that that’s ‘not’ what he was suggesting. Well, it sure seemed as though that’s what he was suggesting from my perspective, but I was willing to be proven wrong. Except, I wasn’t. The thing is though, I can only blame myself for that. I saw the same old signs and I should have ran at the first opportunity. I knew where this game was going and I still went ahead and played it; knowing full well I’d lose. But, in attempt to not tarnish him with the same brush as other guys, I returned a Snapchat; which, in hindsight… was probably my third mistake, I admit.

I could go on and on about what happened next with ’S’ and I, but basically; he came over pretty much every night that week. It became a routine. It became something that resembled what could be. Each time he stayed over, the more we clicked (or so I thought) and it felt really natural. ’S’ being massively into health and fitness and a former PT was brilliant because he was able to teach me new things and explain things to me. I mean, we even had a gym session together and went out for brunch afterwards. We spoke a lot about past relationships and experiences. Hell, we even talked about us properly dating before starting a relationship. At no point did 'S' say to me that he wanted something casual or had any real insecurities.

Everything seemed to be going well, but all of a sudden, what I found and thought was attractive about ’S’ became the very opposite. I noticed that he had this incredible way of making me feel so wanted when in reality, that wasn’t the case at all; it was the sex and my body that was wanted. Not me and certainly not a relationship with me. It was physical attraction and nothing else for him. It was lust at first sight. 

Things did progress between us later that week and it simply lead to cracks appearing; proving me right. I could see what he was really interested in and it wasn’t getting to know me by going out and taking me on dates. Yet, all it took was one look or touch from ’S’ and my self-control was out of the window, because I had never felt so wanted by anyone, at the time. I knew that we weren’t on the same page and I felt like such a fool, but I couldn’t help myself either because I liked him.

BUT THEN...

Our texting suddenly became one-sided and all about sex; never usually from my end. He could be pretty ignorant by text or blunt and that didn’t phase me at first, because I knew what he was like in person, so I let it wash over me. See, in person, he couldn’t get enough of me and that’s all I thought I needed. It was only when we weren’t together and we were keeping in touch by text that he was uninterested, unless of course, I sent him a Snapchat. 

I also started to notice that he could be very hot and cold; complimentary one minute and air-headed the next. I never knew whether I was coming or going with him. He could pick me up with a single comment and then drop me with another. From not being able to get enough of me to now suddenly not be interested. I really wasn’t expecting this change in his behaviour. Especially since we had just, you know. I actually thought he could be different. 

Our conversations weren’t the same as they had been. His interest in me and my day became non-existent, and the texting felt forced. The conversation did not feel natural and ’S’ did not seem as though he wanted to talk to me. I’d ask him questions or ask about his training and his day, but his replies were barely a full sentence. I felt so annoying because it was me that was keeping our whole communication going while it was so painfully obvious that he did not want to talk to me. 

But again, here’s the key thing I noticed - if I sent certain Snapchat; it instantly gained his attention and interest. And that’s when I knew. Again though, I felt that perhaps I was still being too quick to judge. Maybe he was stressing over studies or tired from work. I mean, if you send a guy a nude, it’s obviously going to get their attention, right?

IN THE END... 

I sensed that ’S' wasn’t the person I thought he was and that nothing good would come from it. But, I still wanted to be sure. So when he asked me to go over to his one evening, I said yes. I went with the true intention of chilling. Talking. Eating. Netflix; that kind of night. No matter how hot things got, nothing was happening. I mean, I didn't even put matching underwear on and that's when you know you won't get lucky with me. To be honest, after how quiet and cold he had been via text all that week; I was surprised he actually wanted to see me at all.

I got in his car and went to put my seatbelt on; not knowing what version of ’S’ to expect. “Hey!”, said ’S’, so I turned and he pulled me in for a kiss. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, really. Maybe all was well and good and maybe it was me overthinking things.

After arriving at his, we got comfy on the sofa to watch Netflix. I purposely sat in a position that meant 'S' was unable to attempt any move on me. However, ’S’ being ’S’ found a way of moving me to ‘cuddle’. For fuck sake. To be fair to him, we did manage to watch one show without it being an invitation to fuck, although he did try every now and then. God loves a trier though. I admit, we did kiss and we made out and you could cut the ‘sexual tension’ with a knife. We had chemistry; no doubt about it. But sex wasn’t the be all and end all for me. After ’S’ continued all ways to initiate something, he decided we should call it a night; probably thinking he’d get it in bed instead. Wrong. 

We got into bed and then he joked about us having sex there instead the sofa and I awkwardly laughed it off. See what I mean? We cuddled and my God did he try to get some action, but I was not having it. I felt like such a bore and prude; which I’m not, but knowing that sex was the only reason for me being there made me that way. While he was willing to stick it in me, he was not willing to let me know where I stood or explain this erratic behaviour. Rather than be upfront and honest, ’S’ tried to mask his intentions by acting as though he actually liked me. Like most guys I come across do. I would have respected him a lot more if he simply said that he just wanted sex and nothing more. This applies to guys in general, actually. There is nothing wrong in being honest about what you want. 

’S’ eventually gave up and fell asleep. He was up at 6am the next day and I asked if he could drop me off on the way. I just wanted to go ASAP because I knew this wasn’t going to work and that he didn’t really like me. On our way out, we kissed and that’s when he turned and said to me, 

“and we didn’t even have sex!”

It was the way he said it and the tone of his voice though. Really?

We kept in touch, but the texting got even shorter and there was a point where he didn’t reply. OK, there wasn’t much to reply to, really. But, if he wanted to talk, he would have. He had the opportunity to keep that conversation going as he was the one who didn’t reply. 

Then, you know, one day of not texting turned into two days; etc. To me, that was it. Sometimes not hearing from someone tells you what you need to know and all you need to know.

So with that, I thought that 'S' and I were no more.

WEEKS LATER...

... I heard from ’S’. Admittedly, I was sort of seeing someone else. I mean, I presumed that was it for ’S’ and I, so what do you expect. Anyway, I had posted a picture of me in a guys hoodie on my Instagram stories. No, I didn't do this for attention or in a malicious way so that 'S' would purposely see. It has a comfy hoodie and so I just posted a photo without really thinking. I didn't rave about the fact it was a guys' either, it just happened to be big on me. Anyway, ’S’ replied to it:

“and whose hoodie is that?” 

… Hang on, what? What business was it of his?

We hadn’t spoken for over a month or so and what pissed me off was the fact that he could make the effort to reply to my Instagram story out of the blue like that, but not text me to explain himself or anything? So what that it was another guys' hoodie?

’S’ messaged me again the next day apologising. He said that he was sorry for being ‘weird’ and in the end, ’S’ did sort of explain himself and his erratic behaviour. Basically, due to past relationships; he wasn’t ready for another and wasn’t in the right place for one either, despite thinking he was. I understood, completely. But what I didn’t understand was why he didn’t tell me this sooner.

After that, he unfollowed me from all social media, which didn’t upset me as such, I just felt as though it wasn’t necessary to do that.

A YEAR LATER...

When I came out of a relationship earlier this year, I got Tinder back; obviously. One evening as I was swiping through, ’S’ popped up. I umm’d and ahhh’d about which way to swipe for some time because he was attractive and I remembered how much I did like him. 'S' was one of the few guys that I wish things had worked out with and whatever had happened between us had, been and gone and stayed in 2018. Plus, I wasn’t expecting us to ever match anyway so, after a few minutes, I thought fuck it and I swiped right. And that was my fourth mistake because… we matched.

I was very surprised that we matched in all honesty. But a few minutes later, I had a notification:

“S has sent you a new message.” 

Ooooh. His first message was an apology for how he handled things last time and you know what, I appreciated that. ’S’ asked if I still had his number and if so, would I text him instead. We began texting and again, he was very apologetic for how he acted last time and told me that he has changed and grown a lot as a person since then, and would like to try again if I was willing to. Now, it’s all well and good saying that you’ve changed but actions speak louder than words and I was curious. Surely if he hadn’t changed a bit, he wouldn’t bother reaching out to me like this if he was just going to fuck about again? Surely he wouldn’t have the nerve.

He was being overly nice in his texts and rightly so. Here are a few snippets from the night we first got back in touch:

’S' bit the bullet and asked if we could go for a drink ASAP or just meet up in general and I agreed. As unconvinced as I was, I was willing to see what he was like. We continued to text and then his became a little slurred. I presumed it was because it was getting late. However, he was actually drinking and in town that night. Then it started to make sense, and no wonder he was blabbing all this shit to me, apologising and wanting to ‘make up’ for what happened; it was alcohol induced and I felt annoyed.

The next day, ’S’ realised how it looked to me via text and assured me that it was not drink talk and that he was being genuine. We agreed to go on a walk together that evening to talk. Having literally just come out of a relationship at the time, I was looking forward to walking and talking with a familiar face like ’S’’.

A SECOND FIRST DATE...

It felt weird getting ready to meet ’S’ because I already knew him. At the same time, months had passed since I’d seen him, so I didn’t know what to expect. I could see ’S’ walking over and so I crossed the road to meet him and we hugged. Thankfully, ’S’ immediately took the lead in the conversation.

We talked and we talked and it was sort of like it was before. We both admitted that when we saw one another on Tinder that we didn’t think we would match but here we were. We spoke about people we had been seeing in the meantime, etc. Though I had put what had happened last time behind me, I still told him exactly how his behaviour made me feel all those months ago, and ’S’ could see where I was coming from and agreed. 

Walking around the docks like we were and trying to forget what we were both thinking, i.e. the fact that we had seen each other naked already and there was nowhere our hands and lips hadn’t been with each other before was comical really. I think we both felt a little awkward and unsure of how to approach things as we had ‘history’, if you like.

Like me, ’S' had also had a relationship for a few months, but it didn’t workout on his side. ’S’ was the one who ended his relationship due to the ‘spark’ fading for him. Now, this is the interesting thing… when we talked about how we had previously dated each other and the times that we had and the stuff we’d do, ’S’ said that he hadn’t really felt like that with someone before. ’S’ mentioned my body and the times where he would see it and instantly be in the 'mood', whereas that wasn’t the case with his recent ex. So much for him 'changing'; it was obvious as to where this was going. He compared his ex to me, saying how attractive me being into the gym and looking after myself was because his ex wasn’t particularly interested in that This was the kind of bullshit he was feeding me and I may have bought a little of it at first, but I wasn’t completely stupid enough to believe it all. 

It was getting a little chilly and ’S’ suggested we head back to mine and I was OK with that. I would say that this was my fifth mistake, but the thing is; I figured where it was going this time and I was prepared from what had happened the first time we 'dated'. 

We got back to mine and ’S’ made himself at home like he used to, whereas I still couldn’t relax. Although it was familiar territory, I was very fidgety. ’S’ sensed my anxiety and pulled me close to him so that I was lying on his chest. “Maybe this will help” he said. ’S’ put his arm around me and said he could feel how tense I was. But, I couldn’t rest there for long either, it felt too weird. It was obvious as to what was going to happen, so why not get on with it. 

I sat up with my legs crossed and faced him and that's when ’S’ took the water bottle I clutched between my legs and kissed me and then everything came flooding back. It went from 0-100mph in seconds, just like it used to.

OLD HABITS DIE HARD...

’S’ stayed over that night and we lay in bed and it was just how it used to be. You wouldn’t have thought that we had not seen each other or been in contact for almost a year. Maybe this time he was serious about it. Maybe this time, I was the one being an arsehole. 

Just like before, ’S’ was up disgustingly early the next morning and he did that same thing; tucked me back into bed and kissed me on the head.

Our routine seemed to start again as ’S’ came over and stayed the next night too. Since ’S’ really explained himself on our walk the night before; opened up and repeatedly apologised for how things went last time, I did give him the benefit of the doubt and a second chance.

WHAT CHANGE?

But… it didn’t take long for ’S’ to go cold and quiet on me again. I suggested plans and in his attempt to 'make up' for last time, he offered to take me out for lunch that week too, but that didn’t happen as he was hungover. I wasn’t necessarily pissed off at the fact we didn’t go for lunch, I was more pissed off at the lack of regard he had for it when he was the one who had the bright idea in the first place. ’S’ was the one who said himself he had some making up to do. He was the one who had something to prove, not me.

It was soon clear that nothing had changed, he was still fucking with me and was as genuine as a 3 dollar bill. He got what he wanted again and then went quiet on me, again. However, this being so soon after my break up helped, because admittedly, I did want to do the whole get-over-someone-by-getting-under-someone-else kind of thing. This time, it was my turn to have some fun. ’S’ had done exactly what he did last time, but I really didn’t care. If anything, I’m glad that I only wasted 2 evenings with him. And you know what, I’m even quite proud of myself for not chasing him afterwards and desperately fighting for his attention like I would have done and did do last time. It was what was; we both got what we wanted and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

"I'LL TEXT YOU LATER..."

… was the last thing ’S’ said to me and I’m still waiting on that text. But, I guess the reason that I didn’t get that text from ’S’ is because funnily enough, he got back with the ex that he broke up with and told me all about! The same ex that ’S’ said he had no spark with and compared me to. How mad is that?

I mean, that's a bit of a dick move, isn't it? It's been months and I'm still a little astounded by it actually. But, I know all too well that some guys are just real douchebags, no matter what their age, so, it's... whatever. 

The only thing I can think of to say is, best of luck to that girl because my God, does she deserve better than someone as slimy and smarmy as ’S’.