One Year On...

So, I first started writing this blog last August. It wasn’t planned and it was actually a friend who suggested I start writing it in the first place because my love life was (and still is) that laughable that you couldn’t possibly write it. That is, unless you’re me.

Not much has changed in the last year, really. I started this blog single and using online dating apps and I’m writing this post in the same position. I’m still single and I’m still, reluctantly and shamefully using Tinder and Bumble. Deactivating both regularly. Although things are pretty much the same as they were this time last year in terms of my relationship status, I have still been on quite a journey in that time. For instance, I have managed to have my heart broken for first time by a guy who wasn’t actually my boyfriend, a few ‘almosts’ with one or two people and even one actual relationship. Well I mean, if you can call 4 months a ‘relationship’ anyway. So yeah, I’d say that’s a bit of a journey.

There is one thing that has changed over the last year though and that is… me. I now know what I want and what I deserve thanks to the madness that is ‘dating’. My skin has got a lot thicker and I am much stronger than I was a year ago. For example, now: if I’m ghosted? Cool. If I’m dumped? Plenty of fish still left in the sea. If someone doesn’t like me back? Life goes on; I’m not everyones cup of tea. If I don’t get a text back? well, I’m not going to double text you, so I guess that’s that and our ‘talking stage’ is over. I’m really not hung up over things like this any more; shit happens and this is what dating life (mine anyway) is like. You get used to it.

So, enough said and without going into too much detail about people I’ve met and dates that I’ve had; here’s a bit of how my year of dating has gone so far, how it’s made me feel and where I’m currently at…

LIFE AFTER LOVE...

Cher is right, there is life after love. It took me a fair while to trust that, but there is. I experienced love and heartbreak for the first time in my life this time last year and I am so glad that I did. I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into and how it would end but I still went for it because I would rather have experienced all the hurt that followed than live to regret my choice in not living in the moment and using what time that we had.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I wrote a few posts about it (obviously). You can find them here.

Having eventually got over that and having some fun in the process by meeting a few people, I knew I wanted to find someone that I could have a relationship with and something serious with. I was tired of ‘casual’ things, and being binned off whenever I said I wanted more than that and I was bored of simply not having enough spark with someone on a first date to even bother with another.

I have always been a relationship person and having had a few near misses with one or two people (whose posts are yet to come…) towards the end of the year; my mind was even more set on finding someone.

HAPPY NEW YEAR...?!

Fast forward to a month or two into 2019 and things started to look up for me. I began dating someone I trusted was good not just for me, but good as a person. They took me by surprise and slowly but surely, me (the Ice Queen) started to melt and let this person in. Except, my happiness was short-lived because come on, things were never going to be that straightforward for me. I wasn’t destined to have a happy ending that easily.

SHOUT OUT TO MY EX...

First of all, sure, I had a brief moment of happiness at the start of the year, like I said when I thought I had met someone really great. I even got into a relationship with said person only for it to end a few months later. I was gutted at first, but when the reality of it hit me, I realised then that I wasn’t with the person I thought I was with and I’m actually quite glad it ended. I can sit here, typing this and say that I deserved more than what I got. I said in my breakup post that I wouldn’t ever write about that relationship and I stand by those words. That person I met at the beginning was not the same person I was with at the end. 

However, there is one thing I do want to write and that’s thank you. I’m thankful that things turned out the way that they did because I now know that I deserve to be appreciated and loved and wanted; all of the time. Not just at the very beginning when everything is new and exciting. What I’m thankful for the most though is the fact that I didn’t end up with what I thought I wanted. In a not so cruel twist of fate, he did me a favour by ending the relationship and for that; I’m thankful. 

It’s not in my nature to talk badly of someone on this blog and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy in that relationship because most of the time, I was. But equally, I can’t sit here and say that it was perfect and he was perfect, because it wasn’t and he wasn’t. I might have thought he was everything and more at the time, but that’s the thing about hindsight; it allows us to see things for how they truly are after they’ve happened. If anything appears as a ‘red flag’ at the time, you ignore it because you’re with the person that you want and you like them that much; so nothing else matters. You’re so blinded by your feelings for that someone that it becomes difficult to realise they don’t deserve you. And you’re in a bubble that no one can burst and you think that once you’re in a relationship; it will last forever. But the truth is, it only lasts for as long as you’re working for it. If one person stops working, it falls apart. 

See, had the relationship not have ended, I would have settled. And no one wants that. No one wants average. Hell, love shouldn’t even be average. It’s not halfway effort, part-time attention and emotionally detached people that I deserve. I’m not someones sometimes or maybe. I would rather be alone than take crumbs of intimacy from someone I was giving everything to. So, I thank that person who dumped me for showing me that I deserve something and someone that I don’t have to question. I deserve someone who is sure about me and wants to be with me. Not someone who can’t even answer those questions with a simple yes or no. And you know what, I deserve someone who isn’t going to run when something gets a bit too real or when things get tough. Again, I would rather be alone than be with someone who bolts at the first hurdle like that. 

It’s funny because 99.9% of people in my life and even those who ‘follow’ my life online thought we were the real deal and that we were serious. I mean, I was serious, it was him who wasn’t. I was the idiot that constantly posted him online and showed him off like “that’s my guy!!! Look at him!!!” and that was never reciprocated or anything. But whatever, at least I won’t have to deal with the awkwardness of my family and best friend asking about me like he may do since I attended a wedding with him shortly before he broke up with me. I won’t be the one who has photos in a family album as a constant reminder. And, on that note; I’m also fucking thankful that I didn’t introduce him to any of my friends or family. Making myself look stupid online instead was quite enough. 

So, I may be incredibly self-deprecating and unsure of myself whenever I’m seeing someone now because of how things turned out, but I think in the long run; it was a blessing in disguise that I was dumped. See, I would much rather feel shit about myself in every way than be with someone who couldn’t even speak up and be honest at the ripe old age of 2 5. All he had to do was tell me that he didn’t like me any more and from where I’m standing; that’s not fucking hard to do. Especially if you’re given so many opportunities to speak up and do so. Don't take the easy option and keep up with appearances, because that shit hurts more than the truth. 

What makes me full on laugh though is the fact he was so quick to tell me that he liked me and how much he had fallen for me and all that other bullshit that comes along with it like me being ‘his girl’. Yet, he took his foot right off the accelerator towards the end and I was left to figure things out for myself, which I think is worse. I’ve always said that someone who is too keen and seems too good to be true from the offset is someone to be careful around… if only I had used that mentality in this situation.

SINGLE AGAIN...

Shock horror. I’m starting to think it’s me. Well I mean, of course it’s me. I am the reason that I’m single. I’m picky as fuck about who I talk to, who I date and who I spend my time with. Yet, I still manage to pick the wrong people and that’s something that hasn’t changed. I don’t tend to do second dates because if I don’t find you interesting enough on the first date or feel some kind of ‘spark’; I’m not going to on a second date. I’m not here to waste any more time. For example, I often tell my parents (both mum and dad) if I’m going on a date, because I’m 23 now so I don’t need to pussyfoot around the subject of ‘boys’ and lie. Anyway, every time I get back from a date; the first thing my dad will say is, “has he made it to a second date?!” and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve said yes to that question. Part of me thinks that maybe that’s the issue. I don’t give people much of a chance or I don’t give things time, but like I say… what’s the point. Aren’t first impressions everything? If I know how I feel the first time I meet someone, it’s not really going to change. 

In all honesty though, I can’t say that I haven’t had some great dates with some great people in the last year, because I have. And although things haven’t worked out with a single one of them, I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet them; well, most of them anyway. There are one or two oddballs that I do kind of regret meeting but there we go… they still gave me experiences if nothing else. Like I said, I even properly dated a few people that I thought there was potential with, but it turns out they wanted everything that comes with a girlfriend but not a girlfriend. Yeah, work that one out. I’m not about being someones bit on the side when you’re bored and want some fun. If you’re not prepared to make me your girlfriend after weeks and months of dating then kindly move along. I might be too young to ‘settle down’ but I’m definitely too old for games and not knowing what’s really going on between us and where I stand. I don’t want to be entertaining somebody who has no intention of taking things further and making it work.

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL TYPE OF GUY?

I get asked this a lot and I’ve always said that I don’t have a type. If I like you, I like you. However, I’ve noticed recently that I do in fact have a type.

What’s my type you might be thinking, well here goes…

My type is guys who aren’t interested in me or guys that are at first, but then go quiet and cold on me; acting as though I don't exist. That’s my type. For whatever reason, that’s what I go for and I wish I could stop. Don’t get me wrong, I get guys who are very much interested in me but I’m not interested in them. It’s a vicious cycle. I think the more someone shows interest in me and the thicker they lay it on, the more likely I’m not going to be interested in them, if that makes any sense. It’s like, the more mean I’m treated; the more keen I am and I thought it was guys who should experience that. Not girls.

Like, if a guy plays it cool; I like that shit. I’m that person who texts back in 00.01 seconds after hearing nothing for hours or worse yet, after being left on read when I like someone. In fact, I even sometimes double or triple text them because I’m thinking about them that much and I get excited. I turn fucking weird because the things that I know I wouldn’t usually stand for and the things I would tell my friends they deserve better than… I blissfully ignore. There is no sense it, I know, but when I get attached, I become a bit of pushover and attempt to do everything I can to please them and keep them interested in me. It’s never about me and it’s always everyone else’s needs first. Because see, when I like someone; no one else matters. If I’m interested in you, it doesn’t matter who (if anyone) is interested in me.

Why is it so hard to be on the same level with someone? i.e. equally as interested in each other. Because there comes a point with this where it’s frustrating because I make it pretty obvious how I feel and they don’t, which leaves me stuck in some sort of limbo and questioning everything. Like yeah we’ve kissed and had three dates, but how does that mean he likes me? He hasn’t said anything or communicated much afterwards. I know actions speak louder than words, but when you’ve been dropped as many times as I have… words are also very appreciated. I understand that not every guy is good with words or his feelings but you know, you can try sometimes.

AM I UNDATEABLE...?

In terms of dating, I’ve tried ‘casual’ and I’ve tried ‘serious’ in the last year; neither of which have ended well. The only thing both have left me with is a question:

Am I good enough? 

… and I ask myself this on a daily basis. 

Am I attractive? 

Am I a nice person? 

Am I slim enough or ‘thicc’ enough? 

Am I clever? 

Am I working hard?

The list goes on… 

I don’t want to be that girl who is constantly putting themselves down, but I am. Everything I have had so far has been catastrophic to say the least and it’s always ended with me being the one who gets hurt at someone else’s expense. On the bright side, I’ve grown a lot as a person each time someone has stamped on my heart, let me down or turned out to be nothing but a prick. And my eyes have been opened far wider than I ever imagined which again, is a good thing because I can now spot a ‘fuck boy’ from miles away.

I think the worst thing about my year of dating though is the fact that I can’t help but be so negative every time a guy talks to me now and I hate that. I hate that guys who I have previously met and been with have done that to me. I have so much distrust and I don’t believe anything a guy says to me any more. It took me a fucking long time to start believing anything they did say in the first place and now I’m back to exactly where I started. It doesn’t matter who compliments me or what they say, my thought will instantly be “bullshit” and I can only apologise. But, blame the guys from my past. Not me. I’m not being dismissive of compliments to try and be ‘cute’ or ‘modest’; I just simply can’t accept them because I have been showered with compliments from guys for a whole year now and clearly not one of them were said genuinely as I’m still single and nothing has worked out. If I was so amazing or beautiful or whatever, why would they be so quick to let go, give up or ghost me?

SO WHAT NOW...?

I don’t really know what I’m doing right now if I’m honest. It’s hard because the more dates I go on or people that I invest my time in; the more scared I get. I don’t mean to be so uptight, but I’m scared because every time I do properly like someone (granted, it’s not that often), but when I do… it never works out for whatever reason. Although I do feel like that reason is usually me because see, when I like someone; I let them know. All of the time and maybe that’s too much. I think I scare guys away because I don’t need to be heavily, or even mildly inebriated to say what’s on my mind. If I’m on a date with you and think you’re gorgeous; you can bet your life I’m going to tell you that to your face. I will lay my cards on the table pretty sharpish if I like you. Maybe that’s where I go wrong, maybe I should try being expressionless. But why should I be fake and hold back? Isn’t being with someone and dating all about making that person feel wanted and appreciated? Especially if you like them? Is being honest and upfront about things not good? I don't know. Life is way too short to not say what you want to say. Plus, my days of playing ‘hard to get’ are pretty much over because my track record proves I’m hard to fucking want never mind get. 

Dating is just a well entrenched routine for me now. I know how it works and I know how it usually ends; every time.

WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN?

I want to be someones something. Part of me is cringing at typing that, but it’s true. For once, I want someone to look at me and think, “I want to make her mine”. I want someone to hype me up like “yes, that’s my girl!” and someone who sees me as a priority; not an inconvenience. I want someone who is crazy about me in every way and not just because they’re in with a chance of getting ‘that ass’ like most guys seem to be. I want someone who isn’t going to get tired of me as easily as everyone else does or if they do, I want someone who can be honest and tell me. I want someone who isn’t going to freak out or get annoyed when I text them six times in a row. I want someone I can take 100s of silly pictures with and of whenever we’re together and not care because that’s what couples do and it’s cute. I want stability and I want respect. I want someone who is dependable and not flaky. I want someone who isn’t afraid to say that they miss me and someone who gets excited to see me. You know?

Maybe that’s a lot, but I’m not asking for marriage. I’m just asking for someone to treat me right and for someone who knows I’m not perfect, but treats me as if I am anyway. Or do I not deserve that?

STILL SEARCHING...

Someone told me recently that you have to sort through all of the bad apples to find that one juicy, unblemished one and from my experience… they’re probably right with that. On the other hand, I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with finding only rotten apples though.

Sure, I do think I’m cursed in terms of dating, but there is still a teeny, tiny part of me that’s hanging on in there, hoping to find someone in time (maybe by 2030?) who is willing to build me back up again and show me that I am capable of being loved. Although,  whoever it is… I hope they like a challenge and are up for one. Because I'm so sick and tired of the same old fake stuff, honestly.