Not much has changed in the last year, really. I started this blog single and using online dating apps and I’m writing this post in the same position. I’m still single and I’m still, reluctantly and shamefully using Tinder and Bumble. Deactivating both regularly. Although things are pretty much the same as they were this time last year in terms of my relationship status, I have still been on quite a journey in that time. For instance, I have managed to have my heart broken for first time by a guy who wasn’t actually my boyfriend, a few ‘almosts’ with one or two people and even one actual relationship. Well I mean, if you can call 4 months a ‘relationship’ anyway. So yeah, I’d say that’s a bit of a journey.
There is one thing that has changed over the last year though and that is… me. I now know what I want and what I deserve thanks to the madness that is ‘dating’. My skin has got a lot thicker and I am much stronger than I was a year ago. For example, now: if I’m ghosted? Cool. If I’m dumped? Plenty of fish still left in the sea. If someone doesn’t like me back? Life goes on; I’m not everyones cup of tea. If I don’t get a text back? well, I’m not going to double text you, so I guess that’s that and our ‘talking stage’ is over. I’m really not hung up over things like this any more; shit happens and this is what dating life (mine anyway) is like. You get used to it.
So, enough said and without going into too much detail about people I’ve met and dates that I’ve had; here’s a bit of how my year of dating has gone so far, how it’s made me feel and where I’m currently at…
So, enough said and without going into too much detail about people I’ve met and dates that I’ve had; here’s a bit of how my year of dating has gone so far, how it’s made me feel and where I’m currently at…
LIFE AFTER LOVE...
Cher is right, there is life after love. It took me a fair while to trust that, but there is. I experienced love and heartbreak for the first time in my life this time last year and I am so glad that I did. I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into and how it would end but I still went for it because I would rather have experienced all the hurt that followed than live to regret my choice in not living in the moment and using what time that we had.
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I wrote a few posts about it (obviously). You can find them here.
Having eventually got over that and having some fun in the process by meeting a few people, I knew I wanted to find someone that I could have a relationship with and something serious with. I was tired of ‘casual’ things, and being binned off whenever I said I wanted more than that and I was bored of simply not having enough spark with someone on a first date to even bother with another.
I have always been a relationship person and having had a few near misses with one or two people (whose posts are yet to come…) towards the end of the year; my mind was even more set on finding someone.
HAPPY NEW YEAR...?!
SHOUT OUT TO MY EX...
However, there is one thing I do want to write and that’s thank you. I’m thankful that things turned out the way that they did because I now know that I deserve to be appreciated and loved and wanted; all of the time. Not just at the very beginning when everything is new and exciting. What I’m thankful for the most though is the fact that I didn’t end up with what I thought I wanted. In a not so cruel twist of fate, he did me a favour by ending the relationship and for that; I’m thankful.
It’s not in my nature to talk badly of someone on this blog and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy in that relationship because most of the time, I was. But equally, I can’t sit here and say that it was perfect and he was perfect, because it wasn’t and he wasn’t. I might have thought he was everything and more at the time, but that’s the thing about hindsight; it allows us to see things for how they truly are after they’ve happened. If anything appears as a ‘red flag’ at the time, you ignore it because you’re with the person that you want and you like them that much; so nothing else matters. You’re so blinded by your feelings for that someone that it becomes difficult to realise they don’t deserve you. And you’re in a bubble that no one can burst and you think that once you’re in a relationship; it will last forever. But the truth is, it only lasts for as long as you’re working for it. If one person stops working, it falls apart.
See, had the relationship not have ended, I would have settled. And no one wants that. No one wants average. Hell, love shouldn’t even be average. It’s not halfway effort, part-time attention and emotionally detached people that I deserve. I’m not someones sometimes or maybe. I would rather be alone than take crumbs of intimacy from someone I was giving everything to. So, I thank that person who dumped me for showing me that I deserve something and someone that I don’t have to question. I deserve someone who is sure about me and wants to be with me. Not someone who can’t even answer those questions with a simple yes or no. And you know what, I deserve someone who isn’t going to run when something gets a bit too real or when things get tough. Again, I would rather be alone than be with someone who bolts at the first hurdle like that.
It’s funny because 99.9% of people in my life and even those who ‘follow’ my life online thought we were the real deal and that we were serious. I mean, I was serious, it was him who wasn’t. I was the idiot that constantly posted him online and showed him off like “that’s my guy!!! Look at him!!!” and that was never reciprocated or anything. But whatever, at least I won’t have to deal with the awkwardness of my family and best friend asking about me like he may do since I attended a wedding with him shortly before he broke up with me. I won’t be the one who has photos in a family album as a constant reminder. And, on that note; I’m also fucking thankful that I didn’t introduce him to any of my friends or family. Making myself look stupid online instead was quite enough.
So, I may be incredibly self-deprecating and unsure of myself whenever I’m seeing someone now because of how things turned out, but I think in the long run; it was a blessing in disguise that I was dumped. See, I would much rather feel shit about myself in every way than be with someone who couldn’t even speak up and be honest at the ripe old age of 2 5. All he had to do was tell me that he didn’t like me any more and from where I’m standing; that’s not fucking hard to do. Especially if you’re given so many opportunities to speak up and do so. Don't take the easy option and keep up with appearances, because that shit hurts more than the truth.
What makes me full on laugh though is the fact he was so quick to tell me that he liked me and how much he had fallen for me and all that other bullshit that comes along with it like me being ‘his girl’. Yet, he took his foot right off the accelerator towards the end and I was left to figure things out for myself, which I think is worse. I’ve always said that someone who is too keen and seems too good to be true from the offset is someone to be careful around… if only I had used that mentality in this situation.
SINGLE AGAIN...
In all honesty though, I can’t say that I haven’t had some great dates with some great people in the last year, because I have. And although things haven’t worked out with a single one of them, I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet them; well, most of them anyway. There are one or two oddballs that I do kind of regret meeting but there we go… they still gave me experiences if nothing else. Like I said, I even properly dated a few people that I thought there was potential with, but it turns out they wanted everything that comes with a girlfriend but not a girlfriend. Yeah, work that one out. I’m not about being someones bit on the side when you’re bored and want some fun. If you’re not prepared to make me your girlfriend after weeks and months of dating then kindly move along. I might be too young to ‘settle down’ but I’m definitely too old for games and not knowing what’s really going on between us and where I stand. I don’t want to be entertaining somebody who has no intention of taking things further and making it work.
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL TYPE OF GUY?
What’s my type you might be thinking, well here goes…
My type is guys who aren’t interested in me or guys that are at first, but then go quiet and cold on me; acting as though I don't exist. That’s my type. For whatever reason, that’s what I go for and I wish I could stop. Don’t get me wrong, I get guys who are very much interested in me but I’m not interested in them. It’s a vicious cycle. I think the more someone shows interest in me and the thicker they lay it on, the more likely I’m not going to be interested in them, if that makes any sense. It’s like, the more mean I’m treated; the more keen I am and I thought it was guys who should experience that. Not girls.
Like, if a guy plays it cool; I like that shit. I’m that person who texts back in 00.01 seconds after hearing nothing for hours or worse yet, after being left on read when I like someone. In fact, I even sometimes double or triple text them because I’m thinking about them that much and I get excited. I turn fucking weird because the things that I know I wouldn’t usually stand for and the things I would tell my friends they deserve better than… I blissfully ignore. There is no sense it, I know, but when I get attached, I become a bit of pushover and attempt to do everything I can to please them and keep them interested in me. It’s never about me and it’s always everyone else’s needs first. Because see, when I like someone; no one else matters. If I’m interested in you, it doesn’t matter who (if anyone) is interested in me.
Why is it so hard to be on the same level with someone? i.e. equally as interested in each other. Because there comes a point with this where it’s frustrating because I make it pretty obvious how I feel and they don’t, which leaves me stuck in some sort of limbo and questioning everything. Like yeah we’ve kissed and had three dates, but how does that mean he likes me? He hasn’t said anything or communicated much afterwards. I know actions speak louder than words, but when you’ve been dropped as many times as I have… words are also very appreciated. I understand that not every guy is good with words or his feelings but you know, you can try sometimes.
AM I UNDATEABLE...?
Am I good enough?
… and I ask myself this on a daily basis.
Am I attractive?
Am I a nice person?
Am I slim enough or ‘thicc’ enough?
Am I clever?
Am I working hard?
The list goes on…
I don’t want to be that girl who is constantly putting themselves down, but I am. Everything I have had so far has been catastrophic to say the least and it’s always ended with me being the one who gets hurt at someone else’s expense. On the bright side, I’ve grown a lot as a person each time someone has stamped on my heart, let me down or turned out to be nothing but a prick. And my eyes have been opened far wider than I ever imagined which again, is a good thing because I can now spot a ‘fuck boy’ from miles away.
I think the worst thing about my year of dating though is the fact that I can’t help but be so negative every time a guy talks to me now and I hate that. I hate that guys who I have previously met and been with have done that to me. I have so much distrust and I don’t believe anything a guy says to me any more. It took me a fucking long time to start believing anything they did say in the first place and now I’m back to exactly where I started. It doesn’t matter who compliments me or what they say, my thought will instantly be “bullshit” and I can only apologise. But, blame the guys from my past. Not me. I’m not being dismissive of compliments to try and be ‘cute’ or ‘modest’; I just simply can’t accept them because I have been showered with compliments from guys for a whole year now and clearly not one of them were said genuinely as I’m still single and nothing has worked out. If I was so amazing or beautiful or whatever, why would they be so quick to let go, give up or ghost me?
SO WHAT NOW...?
Dating is just a well entrenched routine for me now. I know how it works and I know how it usually ends; every time.
WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN?
Maybe that’s a lot, but I’m not asking for marriage. I’m just asking for someone to treat me right and for someone who knows I’m not perfect, but treats me as if I am anyway. Or do I not deserve that?
STILL SEARCHING...
Sure, I do think I’m cursed in terms of dating, but there is still a teeny, tiny part of me that’s hanging on in there, hoping to find someone in time (maybe by 2030?) who is willing to build me back up again and show me that I am capable of being loved. Although, whoever it is… I hope they like a challenge and are up for one. Because I'm so sick and tired of the same old fake stuff, honestly.
Nice to this blog very interesting and helpful experienced about relationships
ReplyDeleteNo such thing as love
ReplyDeleteWow after reading your blog I feel that I have seen a deep side to a lady than they care to show a man and I would love to get to know you better xxx
ReplyDeleteGosh. So much honesty which is fantastic. I guess my only thoughts would be
ReplyDeleteA) you’re aware that you’re picking the wrong type of guy; have you ever worked on changing this?
B) you name what you’re looking for in a guy, and nowhere do you write “exciting/interesting” when you’re also sûr that you don’t want someone who has all those OTHER qualities but who there’s no “spark” with
Wishing you luck...and as I’d always say...therapy is essential for all of us! To learn the patterns we form unconsciously and consciously change them