Black Summer

Here is a little tip for anyone out there who is thinking of getting themselves on the dating scene: make sure you are completely over your ex. Please. I know there is a phrase that goes along the lines of "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" ... and having been there and done that myself, I can honestly say that it doesn't always work. Not only does it make you feel shit (at least, that's how it made me feel), it also makes the other person feel shit because you're basically using them to fill your void. Especially if you're not upfront and honest about it. Which, let's be honest... not many of you would be.

So, having dated no end of fuck boys and a fair few psychopaths (whose dates I will never write about), it was about time I dated someone who, despite having many positive traits, also came with baggage, wasn't it? Emotional baggage; per se. And that's where 'L' came along.

Don't Talk The Talk...

… if you can’t walk the walk. Here’s a gentle reminder to all guys out there; actions speak louder than words.

And here’s a gentle reminder to all girls out there; you can definitely fall for the same old bullshit when it comes to guys more times than you think. Although I was prepared for this, it still fucking hurt(s).

I’ve written about the time that I well and truly had my heart broken (read about that here). And whilst I wasn’t necessarily prepared for that, I was definitely more aware of it eventually happening than I was this time. Although, I’m not sure whether what I currently feel is heart break, I do know that I am hurting a lot and that my heart aches. But, I’m filled with more anger and disappointment than I am sadness this time around and I’m hurting because I actually give, or should I say, gave a fuck, when the other person didn’t. It sucks when your heart cares and feels too much for the wrong people.

J is for...

J o k e. Now, I’m up for a laugh as much as the next person is. But, when you’re made to feel like the butt of that joke… not only is it not funny; it actually hurts.

You’d think that as a grown up woman of 23, I would have learnt my lesson by now when it comes to guys. Yet, I’m still capable of falling for the wrong type of guy and ignoring every single red flag that greets me on my way. And that’s exactly what happened with ‘J', and it's more fool me, really.

It’s guys like ‘J’ that I’ve spent years of my life being played, chewed up and then spat out by. Guys who flirt with you, send mixed messages and lie to you. Guys who will promise you the world and make you happy for a split second just in order to get laid. Guys who lead you on so that you fall for them and then disappear when you do; like as though that wasn’t supposed to happen and you weren’t meant to catch feelings. I know this pattern of behaviour and after years of learning what signs to look out for and stay clear of; I thought I was doing well. But then, ‘J’ happened… and, for some stupid reason, I fell hook line and sinker for every word he said to me. Every single warning sign was there, but the thing is with me; I like to see the good in people.

Let's Get PhySical

“And we didn’t even have sex!” … was the comment that well and truly proved me right and ended our first cycle of dating. I was glad though, because I knew something was off. I just wish I had gone with my gut instinct in the first place, instead of going along with it ‘just incase’ it would turn out differently.

And, had I gone with my gut in the first place, our paths may not have crossed again and we might not have ended up briefly dating a second time. However me being me, I went ahead and gave him a second chance. I thought of the old, “that was then, maybe he’s different now…”. But as the saying goes; a leopard never changes its spots. And let me tell you, ’S’ had not changed; but, I had. So, when he fucked me over and ghosted me again earlier this year; I was not the slightest bit bothered or surprised. Instead of running after him like a little lost puppy or feeling rejected, I simply let it be this time.

One Year On...

So, I first started writing this blog last August. It wasn’t planned and it was actually a friend who suggested I start writing it in the first place because my love life was (and still is) that laughable that you couldn’t possibly write it. That is, unless you’re me.

Not much has changed in the last year, really. I started this blog single and using online dating apps and I’m writing this post in the same position. I’m still single and I’m still, reluctantly and shamefully using Tinder and Bumble. Deactivating both regularly. Although things are pretty much the same as they were this time last year in terms of my relationship status, I have still been on quite a journey in that time. For instance, I have managed to have my heart broken for first time by a guy who wasn’t actually my boyfriend, a few ‘almosts’ with one or two people and even one actual relationship. Well I mean, if you can call 4 months a ‘relationship’ anyway. So yeah, I’d say that’s a bit of a journey.

There is one thing that has changed over the last year though and that is… me. I now know what I want and what I deserve thanks to the madness that is ‘dating’. My skin has got a lot thicker and I am much stronger than I was a year ago. For example, now: if I’m ghosted? Cool. If I’m dumped? Plenty of fish still left in the sea. If someone doesn’t like me back? Life goes on; I’m not everyones cup of tea. If I don’t get a text back? well, I’m not going to double text you, so I guess that’s that and our ‘talking stage’ is over. I’m really not hung up over things like this any more; shit happens and this is what dating life (mine anyway) is like. You get used to it.

So, enough said and without going into too much detail about people I’ve met and dates that I’ve had; here’s a bit of how my year of dating has gone so far, how it’s made me feel and where I’m currently at…

This is Acting

According to Google, there are 10 qualities that make a great actor and ‘G’? Well, he happened to have every one of them…

Being D-U-M-P-E-D...

… hurts. Really fucking hurts. Whether it’s for the best or even if you see some warning signs; it still hurts. Especially when you are the person who is being dumped. It’s absolutely crushing. I should be used to it by now and part of me is to tell you the truth. I’ve been through it one, two, three and even more times than that, but I just didn’t quite expect it this time. I think that’s why it hit me harder. One minute I’m dating someone I really, really like and the next; I’m not. They will now be nothing but a distant memory like everyone else.

What I Hate About Tinder

Way back in 2017, before I ever entered the world of online dating; I was never keen on the idea of Tinder whenever someone I knew was using it. To me, I saw it (actually, I do still see it…) as an app you download when you hit a low point in your dating life and are just looking to hook up with anyone and everyone. Having eventually reached that point in my so-called dating life though; I ended up being another millennial who downloaded it, because what other way would I meet someone these days? It’s sad to think that there was once a time where romance could blossom by catching someone’s eye in a bar (mum and dad, I’m thinking of you), or bumping into someone in your university library. None of this superficial swiping left or right based on a persons photo nonsense. But the thing is, our generation has now succumb to the idea of online dating as being the future. Is it only me that finds that such a shame?

I mean, sure Tinder can be great app if you’re someone who is not into the whole meeting someone face-to-face thing; but if that’s the case, then why are you bothering at all? Surely at some point if you’re talking to someone; you will end up meeting them. I don’t know, I think I find Tinder incredibly tedious for someone like myself, because admittedly; I am a hopeless (more like helpless) romantic. But Tinder is not really taken seriously by most users which makes finding genuine people as easy as trying to find a needle in a haystack; as they say. It seems to prevent solid relationships forming rather than allowing them to. It’s a quick fix and something to go to when you’re bored. I suppose it can even help boost your confidence in a way when you see that you have a new match. Whatever it is, I have never really found any kind of temporary satisfaction from it. I’m not comfortable with the idea of judging a person purely on their looks, but because of the way Tinder operates... that's exactly what I do. 

Believe it or not, I try not to linger on Tinder for too long because I find myself engaging in conversations with people out of pure boredom half of the time; both of us knowing full well it will not go any further. I go through phases of downloading the app and deleting it. Each time I download it, after just a few swipes and matches that lead to nothing but monotonous conversations or better yet, opening liners that could only be coming from an immature ‘LAD’; I'm nothing but reminded as to why I delete it in the first place. Yet, I’ll still occasionally download it despite this. It’s a bit addictive in a way. You want to see if you’ve had any new matches or if anyone ‘new’ pops up within your location settings or something. Anyway, I really do hope there will be a day where I just say bollocks to Tinder and delete it once and for all; either because I am happily loved up with someone (I can dream, right?) or because I have finally accepted the inevitable in that I will be forever alone. 

So floating between having Tinder and not, I’ve realised all of the things that annoy the hell out of me (personally) about it; or more specifically, about guys on it. It all screams the question of why do I still turn to it sometimes when in reality, I get nothing but a stiff sore thumb from swiping left and some sort of lasting emptiness. Anyway, here are some of the things that I hate about Tinder; as a girl looking for a guy.

D is for...

Depression. There. The one word that so many of us still struggle to say, admit that we suffer with, or have suffered with. Even though it is one of the most common mental health problems. Although the stigma around depression is slowly being broken, it’s also still very much alive and kicking. It may be 2019 now, but depression is still seriously misunderstood. And I know this because, well, I suffer with it. So this is my conscious effort to help break the stigma even more this year. 

A Tale of 2 Musicians (1 of 2)

During my time in the dating game, I've had the chance to date two musicians. No, not at the same time, that would be weird. But nevertheless, I have dated two musicians. Both were worlds apart, may I add. For example, one is actually signed to a record label, and has produced actual music that is available for streaming on Spotify, whilst the other is happy busking his little heart out in Liverpool city centre; getting about £70 in an hour if he starts playing a Beatles song. No doubt about it, both were incredibly talented. However, neither of them were for me.

As a stereotypical white girl, I've always loved the idea of dating a rockstar, or a musician. I mean come on, who hasn't? But honestly? I think I'll stick with dreaming about it rather than actually attempting to do it. Because let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Although hey, maybe I just dated the wrong musicians.

I Do Not Hook Up

OK, when did it become acceptable for guys to think they can sweet talk their way into your pants like it’s a one-banana task? Dishing out attention and compliments like sweets 24/7, and making you feel that ‘special’ that you can hardly believe your luck.

As intense and passionate as it can be, you need to watch out these days. Well, I did anyway. A ‘too much too soon’ type of guy will never be a good thing, and will never take advantage of me. No matter how irresistible and charming they may be. They can try all they like, but here’s the thing: I do not hook up. Just like that Kelly Clarkson song says, I go slow. If you want me, I don’t come cheap.

Now, there is nothing wrong with hooking up whatsoever, providing it’s something both parties want and agree to do, you know? At the end of the day, you do you. But in this situation, I didn’t want that. I never have, and I probably never will.

See, I always want more than just me, a guy and some fun. I’m not too sure why as I’ve spent a good 7 years of my life now in relationships, and not one has fucking worked out, (obviously). So you’d think that would put me off anything long-term, but for some reason… it doesn’t. I know what I like; stability.

Boys Will Always Be Boys

My last relationship was certainly er, different to say the least. Now, I know different isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, however in this case… and, looking back? It kind of was. In funny a way though, I am glad about that now. Glad because it’s shown me that you should know your worth. Always.

"You've Changed" - No Shit

There is one thing that I get told by almost everyone; “you’ve changed.” Whether it be from a family member, or someone from school, I hear it all the time. Considering I started off as nothing more than an egg that later fertilised, before developing into a fetus, and then an actual, living human-being… I would like to think I have changed quite a bit too. 

No, I know what people really mean when they say “you’ve changed” though. What they mean is, I’m into health and fitness now. I’m a gym girl. I am far from the girl who despised P.E. lessons in school; skiving pretty much every one she could. I am far from the girl who also drastically lost weight, herself, and even looked skeletal at one point. And I am far from the shy, unconfident girl I once was - the one who was scared of what anyone thought of her, and what she had to say. The girl who never told anyone how she was feeling, or what she was really thinking. The one who let people walk all over her; getting away with it. So yes, I am fully aware myself that I have indeed, changed. I have completely transformed myself.

My First Ti... nder Date: Intense With A Capital 'I'

Before this time last year, Tinder was alien to me. Yes, I’d heard of it, and I knew what it was… But as far as I was concerned, it was another world to me; one I thought I would never delve into. Ha, how wrong was I!

 A few months after coming out of a 4 year relationship, a friend suggested I should try Tinder. “It’ll be fun”, she said. So with that, I downloaded the app, created an account, and entered what seemed to be the new ‘norm’. I’d heard a lot about Tinder, most of which wasn’t all that great. It appeared to me that people usually used Tinder for one thing only - hook ups, or as I call it; a smash and dash. Now, I can’t say I knew exactly what I was looking for at the time, but it certainly wasn’t another relationship. At least, not right away. 

Anyway, since this post is about my first Tinder date, and not my actual thoughts on Tinder… I’ll get to it. 

The Big 'O': Part 3 of 3

If you’ve read the previous parts of this story, chances are you would have already sensed that there isn’t going to be a happy ending for ‘O’ and I. In case you are someone who thought there was a happy ending, then I hate to break it to you; there wasn't. I wouldn't have been told to make this blog if my life was that straightforward now would I.

The Big 'O': Part 2 of 3

Now, I don’t blame most of you, if not all of you, for raising an eyebrow at my first blog post and the whole ‘I’ve fallen in love’ and ‘love at first sight’ thing. Because I know I would judge too. Especially those of you who know me in real life, and know that I once had a very serious, 4 year relationship. But see that’s the thing, sometimes you meet someone and they can mean more to you than someone you’ve known for years, or your whole life. Feelings are weird, and time means nothing; which is something I keep realising…

The Big 'O': Part 1 of 3

“People fall in love in mysterious ways"

Now, I know what you’re thinking when you read the title of this blog post. But fortunately, I’m not going to be that crude. At least, not right away.

When I say the big ‘O’, I’m not going to talk about orgasms. No, see, I’m going to talk about a person. I’m jumping straight in with this post because well, why not? I don’t do things by half. Truth be told, I’m skipping out a lot of dates, relationships and stories by doing it this way, but what the hell - not everything in life has an order.

So, here goes…